philophobia

Philophobia: The fear of being in or loving another. It's ironic that there is actually a scientific fear of this. Unfortunatly, I could be one of many individuals diagnosised with this. How did love get such a bad rap? As a child being cradled, nurtured, and hugged all promoted postive growth. As teens we only wish to find love like those around us. Young adulthood may lead to our first serious relationship, and heartbreak.

So, How did Philophobia develop in my life? First off, I have the last name of a man who broke promises consistantly. I let him keep pulling me in with gifts and other sympathy, when really all I wanted was his love. Maybe at the age of 14 it was the overwhelming fear of never having a boyfriend. Then 16 came around and he appeared. Though, after a trip that opened my eyes up to a world outside my small town, that relationship crumbled.

I've kissed strangers in hope that something might occur, I've changed and reverted back, I've tried to be perfect and learned I never will be.

So why, why the fear? Maybe part of it came from losing my best friend. For a best friend no matter what gender gives you love and support. Prehaps, its the fact that I am the kind of girl who shys away from putting herself out there because she always dreamt of love like in old westerns. Maybe, its that her perception of what love should be has changed.


Though, I guess this is something I will either accept or out grow. For who knows what tomorrow brings. I guess I just fear that this fear will keep me from ever being truly happy. Well, I guess ill have to wait and see

Omnia Sol

This was my senior song in high school. The college I attend also performed this song the year before I came here. Z. Randall stroope power ballad of moving through life. It's ironic that as a senior in college I still hold Omina Sol close to my heart. However, the emotions run somewhat the same as they did four years ago, there is a new undertone that wasnt there.

" Weave the dance and raise the chorus; grieve no more…
Through the strength of Orion, find refuge from the shore!
Let courage be your oar, let passion be your sail;
Wisdom and truth will guide your deep heart’s yearning, though all travail!

O stay your soul and leave my heart its song!
O stay your hand; the journey may be long!
And when we part, and sorrow can’t be sway’d…
Remember when, and let your heart be staid"

This is now the most powerful part of Stroope song. Grieve no more....the heartache and tears of the past while they hurt should be set aside. Let orion be the strength and find refuge from the shore. God is my Orion and refuge is life itself. Let courage be your oar and passion be your sail. Passion for the future has always prepetuated me through all troubled times. Wisdom and truth will guide your deep hearts yearning... Thank goodness for that! and through all travial...telling us no matter what, substitute these simple things.

the beautifully melodic chorus. The repeated and hard fought lesson of it all.

Omnia Sol was a song that I sang with many great people in my life. Its a song ive caught myself humming too. I feel like God has used the message of Stroope's lyrics to remind me that no matter what outcome comes with my life to keep moving forward.

So, in the lesson of this blog! Stay the course, and hold on to your dreams! Because somehow, someway, it will all come out alright in the end!

Shattered Reality

We all hate it, the negativity, the hardships. We all dispise the feeling of inferiority and disguist. Well, I'm 21 and my reality shattered when I was 19. Losing your best friend isn't easy, it isn't suppose to be. It's like losing a member of your family. The scars just don't ever heal.
Then you bring into your life, a creative writing class. I am a writer, I am proud to admit that, but the whole semester you have started to realize that "You" are not the only one suffering these great pains. Then you look out of the scope of the class and realize the world is dealing with these things too. In my life I come from a divorced and re-married family, I was and still at times is an emotional eater, I was teased for wearing glasses, for being fat, and my smarts, I  also had an emotional abusive relationship at 16!
 I'm not writing this so the world will pitty me. I try to pride myself on not being that way! I wanted to write this to tell you that hard things come our way. We don't like it, we never will! We are all reaching for our own prize.
I was average men risk their lives on bulls, and for a mere 1 million dollars and gold buckles that declare them champions. That they are, they are champions. So, you too, can be ca champion.
God is the driver, but you are the passenger. God is taking you on the roads in which he has paved for you. Yes these roads may cause heartache and tears, but God is leaving you with Strength.
I don't physically see myself as a strong girl! Yes, I am pretty big and with red hair could probably kick someones ass out of shear rage (but im not that kind of person). Though emotionally, I find myself strong. God has given me the strength to carry on. I look back at my past and I'm not ashamed of where I come from, but rather greatful. I am humbled to have experienced even what I have in my 21 short years.
You may wonder how I look at some of these experience that way, and for you the topics are really just surface descriptions, but I get by because I know that God has a plan.
I like everyone else wish I knew the details of this plan, but I don't.
Maybe one day I will work for the PBR, maybe I won't.
Maybe I'll get into a school in Texas, Maybe New Mexico, but only God knows where to best send me.
Maybe I will fall in love, maybe it will take time. (Being single since you are 16 sucks, but in  a way im still old fashion. This is one of those lessons in Patience).

Though no matter what determines to shatter my reality next, I will hold my head high and not surrender. For surrendering is a cowardly way to go.

I just want you to all know YOU ARE STRONG! YOU CAN DEFEAT THE MONSTERS! THE OBSTACLES CAN BE OVERCAME! DO NOT FEEL TRAPPED! THERE IS A WINDOW OR A DOOR THAT WILL LEAD YOU OUT OF THERE!

God Bless

The calm after the storm

Yesterday, a huge storm erupted in my life. Possibly it was the lack of sleep from the weekend or it was because everythin' had just piled up and needed to safety valve released. It seems that this occurs to me quite often and it's annoying.
Part of my problem is I am the go to girl for just about anyone. I basically carry around everyone's fears, dreams, and hopes along with my own. I am the one who always grabs a hand when needed and guides them through the unknown.
Though, what some of my friends don't understand is that they are abusing their friendly duties by not returning the favor. Not that I constantly need to disclose my inner demons but some days just like everybody else I need a little escape...though my escapes must become my own when they turn their heads away.
That is why I write. Why I yearn for a career working on the bull riders?  Why I hope that the man of my dreams will one day be mine?
When I am about to explode that is when I yearn for my best friend to still be alive.
Being 21 is hard, Being 21 and without a best friend is almost impossible!

though, today is a better day. My soul is now calmed, and partly because I have regained my focus on my Heavenly Father, the man who always takes care of me.

so, guess I am out....hope everyone has a blessed day!

Music to my Ears

I still find it funny how some songs can entice me and intrigue me. Yesterday when I was a little down and frusterated with my situation in life the songs Mama's Song,  Leaving Home, as well as Mine spoke to me. Yes, these are all country songs and as my name suggests I am a huge country fan. Some people I know dislike country music for the obession with the steel guitar, the same storyline with different lyrical refrains, or maybe it's just the intimacy of country music in a way. They ain't afaird to tell you their love story, or their love gone wrong story, and even their party story. Though the three songs I mentioned all spoke to me in different ways. Mama's Song by Carrie Underwood spoke to how my Mom may react when the time comes that I fall in love and take the next step in my life and become someone's wife. Although, the course struck my chord of a certain someone, I know that it's possible that he may not be the one I end up with in the end. Leaving Home made me realize that when if and when I get accepted into Texas I will be leaving a life so concerte for a life that is full of uncertanity. Though, I know that every step of the way my Mom will be there for me. Taylor Swift's mine is a whole different story. In a way it exposes my insecruity to let someone in. Though, it also peaks my interest in being made a rebel of love. Only having a single boyfriend in my life has caused a few uncertainities in my life, it has also caused me to act like a wild horse when it comes to guys, although it's not like guys flock to me for love and attention. The part about the making a rebel out of the careless fathers careful daughter is the epitome of me. With my heart, I am careful then I was when I was growing up, I have come to protect it like a gaurd. Which is a good and bad thing?
However, I wondered if other people turned to music as a cure. Sometimes, when I am need of a renewal I will turn to a song and let it take me away. When I think of my departed best friend I think of the Band Perry " If I die young." This song gives me the hope I feel that I am missing with her gone.
To me, Music isn't just notes and lyrics, they are stories, cures, and an escape. Although, I love all types of musics I know for sure I will always be a country fan for it's steel guitar screamin, twang bangin' sound...and I only hope that others one day will find refuge in the songs that these artist give to us.
Well, I am out of the arena....I should probably turn in for the night, big day ahead of me!

Goin' through life

I'm 21 and pretty ambitious if I may say so myself. Though, I haven't always been this way. Sure, it's true, I've known since I was about five years old that I was going into the health care field and although my life has played around with the various options I now know my true place. Physical therapy has pretty much defined my life while in college. When people ask you, you say "oh I'm a Bio/Psych  potientally going to graduate school for physical therapy."
     I can't believe that I am now on the verge of a cliff applying for graduate schools, the most important part of my life is quickly appoarching. However, goin' through college and climbin' up steep hills and through deep vallies I have realized a few things. My career will never define me. It was hard for me to come up with this as a freshman, but as I have grown up, matured like a ripe fruit I now realize that it's just going to be an enjoyable occupation. I have also realized that I am undefinable. All human beings are. Simple adjectives do not give us the justice we deserve. I love the term intellectual badass, but my brain doesn't define how I am as a friend, a daughter, or a leader. We can never be dimensionless. If this is goin' off to start confusin' people I will keep it simple; we have emotions, feelings, and fears. Each of these are a different level of a persons self.
      I almost feel as if  I am writing some essay for my creative writing class, but knowing that I am not makes me feel better about it. I guess the point of my blog is to aim high, dream big, and push forward! You never know when what you thought would be a moment where you crashed and burned would be a successful one!

My Day in Review

So as a title suggestion this is a recap of my day.

1) My lab students think I am awesome. Pretty knowledgable, fun loving, and actually enjoyable.
2) I almost saw my dream of Texas slip away! There was a moment when the water works were partically falling.
3) I kicked my booty into gear  and completed the rest of my application, all the required forms and asking people to write me letters of recommendation.
4) I got to kick back with one of my favorite girls and watch ER (Yes the television show with all the hot doctors and the better story line than Grey's Anatomy!)
5) I had to enrich a few children in the ways of one of my clubs, always an accomplishment in my opinion.
6) I got to go see an Amazingly funny comedy "Easy A" with the same favorite girl I watched ER with. It was pretty much a laugh riot.

What I should be doing at 12:19 am? Well some would argue sleeping, while I myself argue reviewing some notes for a test. THOUGH, I am blogging. Like this blog will ever be of some master importance to anyone except for me. Maybe, one day however, I can change the world with a simple smile ;)!

This is MissRowdyRodeo Signing off from blogland! Good Night and SWEET DREAMS