Jump with me....A poem

I want to open your eyes

I want to see you smile

I want the days before I see you to fly by

I want the nights to be decreased by miles

I want to hold your hand

I want to feel your kiss

I want to walk with you in the sand

I want those moments that can’t be missed

I want to be in your arms

I want to feel your warm breath

I want to be lost in your charm

I want to be with you so don’t forget

I want to tease you

I want to need you

I want to capture you

I want to freeze you

I want to live for love

I want to die for loss

I want our hearts to soar

I want us to not be at war

I want these things

These things I do want

For it is you who entices me

It is me who intrigues you

So what are we waiting for?

What is there to lose?   

A Beautiful story from the wreckage

I am going to go off randomly on this small exercept of my autobiography I suppose. Off the chart to not focus to much of the story at hand but rather explain to you how I have come to the conclusion on my life outlook. My life outlook is to find a beautiful story from/ among the wreckage.

I could recall, and just deleted multiple paragraphs depeciting some of the darkness moments in my life. I suppose the night I wrote them the tears and pain were what drove me to write those lines. However, I am a write who writes what she believes and I didn't believe that my pity party was truthful enough to explain this said philospy.

What those paragraph's reperesented was my hearts anger towards those blackened moments of my life. The moments that for some reason my heart has merely blocked and my heart has caged. As I wrote those lines it didn't feel any less uncaged so to say. However, as I write these lines...I feel this beautiful philopsy spinning inside my head and smile.

I have gone through lots of things: I have a hard time mentioning being 16 and touched and kissed by your boyfriend as being rape, but when I did wake up and noticed him touching me in ways I didn't want, I feel its mental hold sometimes. I have lost my best friend in a car accident. As a child I had promises broken. I have fallen for guys only to get it shoved back and forgotten. I can ramble on about scrapping my knee riding my bike and all kinds of stuff people classify as mentally grueling but I won't because I KNOW SOME PEOPLE HAVE IT WORSE THAN I DO! So it is why I want to give them a little ounce...maybe a glimpse at Hope.

I think that moments in life that don't go your way or lead you into darkness are just rough patches that you beautiful story must detour through. Said detours have the ability to make us or break us. I want you to not Break , but  TO MAKE YOU STRONGER. For as I have grown up I have realized more beauty in my life than pain. I have seen many more smiles, than tears (even if 2011 did catch up on the tear count).

So, if you feel like there is no where to go. There is. Turn to your story and tell the detour that this is only temporary and you are only one small part of MY BEAUTIFUL STORY!

SMILE, HUGS, AND BLESSINGS! WE CAN DO IT! WE CAN MAKE IT!

Believe, Dream, Inspire

Thank my grandma for inspiring this chapter.
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 My whole life: at least how I can conceptualize it into small minute particles has circumnativated around these three words. From the time I was a young child...I believed anything that anyone told me. Although, as I grew up I could better judge the information that came my way. The best part of being little and believing in things is not having to have proof. If it is something that you are so passionate about there is no way in the world it is wrong. I suppose it is why the bible says to have faith like a child.

However, in my adult life believing in the Lord is something I constantly work on. Prehaps its for the fact that I also believe so concretely in my dreams. Although, it could be that as a child no one told me to believe in him but as life took twist and turns I knew I couldn't live without him. I believe strongly that he has a grand plan for me. One with great substance and much happiness. It just seems like they dont aline with my dreams.

Dreams: I do it. With and without my eyes closed. In recent years I have seen lots of dreams fall into the battle lands. which for a dreamer MAJORLY SUCKS! I had to give up hopes on my best friend and I marryin these two goregous rodeo cowboys. I have had to give up on my dream of Texas: at least for a little while. I have always believed in the beauty of my dreams because in some way it will keep making me great and also help me bestow greatness upon the world. I have had friends who have believed in my dreams a lot and none more than my angel girl. However, in recent years I have found a friend who also believes in her dreams and we call ourselves: Cowgirl Dreamers.

The inspire part I suppose is a mixed bag of tricks. As a writer I hope to inspire others who have always liked to play with words to be comfortable enough to write what they feel. I have four nieces and nephews and I want them to know that no matter what roadblocks or detours live throws at them...that they can overcome it. I also want to inspire girls like me- with a lack of self-esteem- that they are WORTH IT! I want them to know that you don't have to be a bright shiny diamond to be worth it to a man or the world!

So, as I continue to strive towards my dream career with Doc Freeman (he works for the professional bull riders INC.) I will never stop Believing in the plans and pathes that the Lord has given me. I also will remember that at each step of the journey to inspire people as the world constantly inspires me!

God Bless and Love Without Fear,

Stevie

the day my life changed- part of my autobiography

I was nineteen. As a nineteen year old the world still seems to be a place where you can test waters without people telling you to grow up. However, at nineteen I had to grow up quicker than I wanted.

Do you ever have those moments that can play in your head like a movie reel? I do. One such moment is the day I lost my best friend. While I feel your hearts slowly shattering and gripping the pages harder I must admit she was more like a sister. I mean 12 years....at 19 that meant I had only spent 7 years without her in my life. That is pretty incredible as I recollect all this myself.

I anticipated that day. It was family weekend and we were gonna go to the rodeo, watch my beloved Bearcats play football, we were gonna hang around a campus that would as of the next year be OUR campus. Though, as I left my last class the rain seemed to continue to casacade swiftly to the ground. I knew she was safely on her way...and thats when the rain we both loved turned into a huge storm....that storm raged outside and thats when I got a phone call.

She was lost. No surprise, our car trips always turn into a solution of finding alternate routes to our destination. I somehow had lost my temper...I wanted her there...I needed her to be safe in my dorm room. Thats when I heard her faintly say  "I am turning around." as I mentioned that was a smart choice I heard a crunch and her phone lost service.

I think I went through frantic panic modes every seven seconds. I then did the only thing I knew to do. Call my mom...that was when my mom told me she would call me back.

That phone call still paralyzes me. "Stevie...I am sorry hunnie." Those words still puncture my heart. All i could do was scream. She couldnt be gone...What in the world were they talking about? The disbelief set in swiftly and as my family made their way to pick me up I couldn't imagine our dreams simply being crumbled and crunch in the metal of that pale blue chevy.

I still hold that guilt from September 12th, 2008. It's a guilt I try to let go of every day. In those moments I should have taken a deep breathe but as my family constantly assures me is that I can't change what God had planned for her.

I suppose sometimes this is why I get so angered with my dreams falling apart. I cant seem to let God's plan for me take its course. Perhaps, its because I know of the greatness he has bestowed upon me from that 12 year friendship.

For along while after that day I dispesed the rain. The one earth element we use to share so much joy in. Now, when it rains, at 23 I feel it as a token from her. A token to stay the course. To not let my demons win.

I was nineteen. I am now twenty three and not a day goes by that I dont miss her but I know that my life is still so young. So fresh. My life is still yet to be lived. I cannot keep myself glued to that part of me.

It was that day that reminded me that God has and continues to give me such blessings with the people in my life and if I do not cherish them than it is I who ends up being the fool.

September 12th of each year is a day I smile through because I know she wouldnt want me to have it any other way.

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God Bless and Hugs

Stevie

writing my autobiography backwards...starting today...here is todays entry

Janurary 4^th, 2012

                New year….Day 3. I haven’t buried any past securities as I thought I had ending 2011. I have shed tears…unlike the clear declaration to myself made mere moments before midnight. I am 23: a twenty three year old who still feels like she should be well on her way to a Doctorate degree in Physical Therapy. However, I am not in school and its killing me the application processes. Throwing non-refundable money away like its water and man does this river flow.

However, this mid-morning writing session has been promoted by yet again…rock bottom: once again reminding me that the greatest words come together in shear moments of despair.

This comes mere moments after falling to my knees and asking MY GOD to forgive me. Yet again must he forgive me for turning my back on him; for my selfish pride; for my will of wanting to be in control.

Through my fire tears I scream out “Father, Oh Father…I AM SORRY.” In the first moments it all that can be mustered up. I continue on “Father, Why must I constantly…” a laundry list of things come flooding from my lips. Closely followed by the burning tears. As, I recollect myself I feel a peace and that’s when the final lines come out. “Father, I love you…I love you.” It’s that peace I am sure many believers find when he tells you that remember things come together in his time.

Although, I not only said things to my Heavenly father. I wrote to two important women and talked to a friend who has been way more valuable to me than I have to him. It’s in these darkest moments when I realize I have always been so blessed. Even in the silence of my screams they have been there. People have been there to hold my hand, lift my chin, wipe those fiery tears.

What have I done?

I swear it is this question that brings me the upmost frustration. For I have done so much yet so little. I have inspired some but not many. I have graciously given but not to all. I have loaned an ear but given my mouth in the process.

At 23 I should be writing about budding romance. I guess in my fictitious stories I create those because I do not understand how to make them work in said reality. I should be doing a lot of other things but this is life and mine doesn’t work like it should at times.

What do I want to do?

So much, I want to do so much in this life. I want to inspire. I have four little people that I want to inspire. They are my nieces and nephews and although I only see three regularly I want them all to know that they can do it. I want to inspire others who are like me. Who can’t seem to understand why their life revolves around stumbling and triumph and then triumph and rock bottom. I want to be some voice. I talk a lot but for what? For pleasure mostly but I want to stand up and be a voice for change. Changing the world…I suppose this innate want is a derived from years of community service but it is a must happen want. I want to work to give people mobility and comfortably back into their daily lives.I want to be one small step in a recovery process. I want them to feel like I cared. I also  want to know that my writing means something. I want to know why I have been so eloquently given such a beautiful gift. beyond writing I want to climb mountains and explore caves. I want to be able to tell people of said adventures.

I want to Love. Love without being scared, love wholeheartedly. I want a love that I can dance with, sing with, cook with. A love who will teach me how to fix cars, to be a better marksmen, to remind me of the Lord most of all, I want a love that can withstand all things with the help of the Lord.

It 2:13 am. This is me. The girl I hide because she is weak. The girl whose ambition some might say are too high, a girl who dreams even in the daylight. This is a girl who doesn’t understand her own story but can create multiple plot lines for her characters. This is the girl I mask. For fear of the world walking away and continuing to corrupt her soul.  This is the defenseless girl few get to see.

Poetry corner

Here is some of my poems...I don't consider myself a poet by any means but wanted some feed back...if you like em or if you think people would buy a book full of ones like this!!!

THANKS

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This one is called Feel

I feel like a stranger

I feel all alone

I feel helpless and hopeless

With no place to go

I feel like a gambler

Risking it all

I feel like a begger

Wondering what went wrong

I feel like a child

So young and niave

I feel like an adult

Still striving to chase my dreams

I feel like a burden

To heavy to carry

I feel like a bird

Without wings

I wish I could shake this

I wish it would go away

I wish I would feel worth it

I wish today everything

Would just be

OKAY

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I titled this You won't win

Your nothing but memories

Your nothing but tears

You’re nothing but an addiction

Your nothing but fears

You try to contain me

You try to hold me back

You try to leash me

You want me to come back

You strike at my heart

You strike at my soul

You strike at my mind

You want me to lose all control

You want to be my master

You want to be my boss

You want to be my lover

You want to be my  friend

I’m tired of running

I’m tired of fear

I’m tired of forgiving

I’m tired of tears

You can’t have me

You don’t deserve this

You can’t rip me apart

For nothing

You won’t win

Like this

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the last one of this blog...its untitled

We refuse to give in

We refuse to let go

We refuse to turn left

But it’s so hard to control

Our time together is fleeting

Our time together is scarce

Our time together seems to evaporate

Our time together disappears

You can’t freeze this

You can’t hide the truth

You can’t disguise your love

You can’t just let it go

Why did this happen?

Why did this have to end?

Why did you lead me on?

Why did I we commit a sin?

Where am I to go?

Where am I to hide?

Where am I to wander?

Without anyone passing by

Dear God, I'm sorry

Dear God-

If there was an address up in the sky I am sure a letter compiled similarly to this would reach you once about every two months. Sad really, I should be writting you letters of praise daily. However, I tell myself I am do busy or I do find time and it comes from selfish pretenses. God, I know you can't tell me everythin' if you did...then what would I have to truly live for. God, I know that I yearn for love but yet I have always had the greatest love within me. I don't know why it's so hard to remember that you sent your son and he outstretched his arms and said "I love you this big." I suppose that is why around easter our hearts sadden as we know that it was not him who put himself on the cross but rather us who did.

It's Christmas time...a time to celebrate what we've come to call as the nativity story or the birth of your son. However, why is that forgetton amongst the shopping for gifts and decorating the tree. I know that not everyone forget it and Lord, I apologize that sometimes or should I say most the time my family does. No, I am not trying to point finger even I forget the true meaning of Christmas from time to time. I suppose thats from working too many Christmas's in the retail setting.

God, I guess this letter was prompted because today I felt kind of alone. The house was empty except for the three dogs. Then there was that moment when I thought back to a beautiful friendship that you started between me and someone else and then you ended it also. I suppose I am asking you how to feel less guilty about such incident or if I ever will? Maybe the answer isn't in the voice I hear but rather the lessons I've been learning. I know in that moment when my life shattered or felt like it was shattering you wanted to draw me near.

I know this year I haven't been the best at coming to you with things. I still have that...I can do it on my own attitude but I NEED TO STOP THAT! I CANNOT DO IT ALL ON MY OWN. Phil. 4:13 says " I can do all things in Christ who gives me strength." THAT IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE VERSES YET I NEGLECT THE VERY MEANING. I even tattooed the word strength on my foot to remind me of that verse and remind me of the strength you gave my best friend in order to help her mold me into the woman I am today.
So, God...I'm sorry. I am sorry that unlike others I talk to everyday that I neglect finding the time for you. I'm sorry for the wrong things I do and heartly wish that years ago all the hate and anger I had towards you could be long forgotten in my heart. God, I know that the path of life you see for me is the right path and although it doesn't fit in "MY TIMING" it doesn't mean it Won't Happen.

God, I can't imagine scaraficing someone you love for thousands upon thousands of people who didnt deserve it. I AM THANKFUL EVERYDAY THAT YOU DID THOUGH. I am thankful that things in life isnt fair because if life was fair Lord I know where I belong. That thought sends chills down my spine but I have done more bad then good.

Tonight, as I slowly prepare for bed...I will find the time  to rekindle the father-daughter relationship you seek. Father, I want you to know that in my crazy life you have been the one constant father. I know I don't say this enough but I LOVE YOU TOO.

Good night Dad...I love you