Why do the things you want always come to you after the want? Why does searchin' for your keys because you want to go somewhere take forever but when you want a nice quiet night in they are right in front of your eyes. I am not talkin' about physical objects alone. Why does love and acceptance comes when you least expect it?
I have 9 days left of school. The guy I wanted to hook up with as a sophomore now wants to revolve his world around me. The friends who said they were going to be forever have suddenly disappeared.
When is the moment right or when is it too late? When should we move slow and when should we speed by? At what moment should we take a step back and reevaluate and at which moment should we just dive in.
Ultimately I feel like time shouldn't be our constraint. If we as people let time bind us then we will not live. Let every moment be precise let the hands not pass you by. If you feel it's too late let it go, if its not dive in!
SO DO NOT EVER LET A MOMENT BE TOO LATE!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Heart ache
No, this isn't the typical heart ache. It's not one that will be accompanied by steel guitar and whining fiddle. This is the heartbreak that comes with fear, with wonder, and with questions.
I want him to be the one. I want her to see me happy. I want life with him to be my reality instead of my fantasy.
However, now he is hurt. He is laying in a hospital bed miles away and I can't do anything. I can't help him or his mom and friends. I am helpless for him. I cant make him smile or even laugh.
I have slept a total of 3 hours anticipating updates about his jaw surgery. I don't know what it is but I love him. I care so much that my heart automatically puts it into overdrive and pulls into the love station. Though, he has a girl. She is everything he could want. Smart, Beautiful, stock contractor. I cannot compete with her.
So this is the heart ache that accompanies a dream. A dream shattered because there is no way God wants us together. if he does then maybe its patience that im lacking. Though this man is goregeous beyond belief and yes I just called a man goregeous. How would we fit together. All I know is I cant stop thinkin about him. My mind constantly thinks of him. So here is too another restless night. Another hope for a dream come true!
I want him to be the one. I want her to see me happy. I want life with him to be my reality instead of my fantasy.
However, now he is hurt. He is laying in a hospital bed miles away and I can't do anything. I can't help him or his mom and friends. I am helpless for him. I cant make him smile or even laugh.
I have slept a total of 3 hours anticipating updates about his jaw surgery. I don't know what it is but I love him. I care so much that my heart automatically puts it into overdrive and pulls into the love station. Though, he has a girl. She is everything he could want. Smart, Beautiful, stock contractor. I cannot compete with her.
So this is the heart ache that accompanies a dream. A dream shattered because there is no way God wants us together. if he does then maybe its patience that im lacking. Though this man is goregeous beyond belief and yes I just called a man goregeous. How would we fit together. All I know is I cant stop thinkin about him. My mind constantly thinks of him. So here is too another restless night. Another hope for a dream come true!
Sunday, January 23, 2011
wonder
So the generic title may get some of you reading or may turn the rest of you away. Do you often wonder what is God's purpose for an individual he puts in your life.
Well I know for sure God put my best friend Linsey into my life to give me confidence and to continue to be a dreamer. As she has passed however I often wonder what reasons people are in my life for.
My mom I have narrowed done because God knew no other women could handle me. God knew that I needed a strong women in my life to lead me.
My friends all have a lot of the same reasons, some for entertainment and others are those great ears that forever love to listen when I need them too.
Then there is my favorite bull riders mom. Now, you may be laughing at this point. Most of you would be like God gave you her to tell you funny stories of him and to see how passionate you are about his sport. However, I am still not sure if that is the case. Last night he got hurt. This doesn't surprise me since this sport there is always an injury. Posting my status to facebook I figured would just get looked over by many of my friends but this status and maybe because it was her son prompted her to message me about how he was doing.
I wanted so bad to tell her he would be okay. I wanted to know what was wrong so I could calm a mother's nerves. I wanted to be able to hold her hand in that moment. At that moment and going through today constantly praying for him I realized that like many other things in my life, this sport has brought me a family.
now grant it, its a loose family with many people scattered all across the globe that enjoys watching and cares for these guys if not the same but as much as I do. These guys bring hope. They show strength and they defy it all to do what they love...Ride bulls!
Now, I feel like one lucky girl to get to encounter 45 of the most elite bull riders every year. I am so lucky to make their acquantance once or twice in a 12 month calander year. These guys make me see that my dreams are conquerable! They make me want to strive to be a better person. They make me want excitement out of life.
Its this family that I know why God gave them to me. He gave them to me to share with the world, to tell people about the exciting yet dangerous sport of bull riding.
However, I still wonder what is in store with the future. I know I never told you but my dream job would be to work for the PBR. My dream job is to be there for the riders when things like this happen. I only hope I continue to persue my dreams and continue to be open with my hearts desire!
Out of the chute and off to wonder some more,
Please keep praying for my favorite bull rider he is in need of it!
Well I know for sure God put my best friend Linsey into my life to give me confidence and to continue to be a dreamer. As she has passed however I often wonder what reasons people are in my life for.
My mom I have narrowed done because God knew no other women could handle me. God knew that I needed a strong women in my life to lead me.
My friends all have a lot of the same reasons, some for entertainment and others are those great ears that forever love to listen when I need them too.
Then there is my favorite bull riders mom. Now, you may be laughing at this point. Most of you would be like God gave you her to tell you funny stories of him and to see how passionate you are about his sport. However, I am still not sure if that is the case. Last night he got hurt. This doesn't surprise me since this sport there is always an injury. Posting my status to facebook I figured would just get looked over by many of my friends but this status and maybe because it was her son prompted her to message me about how he was doing.
I wanted so bad to tell her he would be okay. I wanted to know what was wrong so I could calm a mother's nerves. I wanted to be able to hold her hand in that moment. At that moment and going through today constantly praying for him I realized that like many other things in my life, this sport has brought me a family.
now grant it, its a loose family with many people scattered all across the globe that enjoys watching and cares for these guys if not the same but as much as I do. These guys bring hope. They show strength and they defy it all to do what they love...Ride bulls!
Now, I feel like one lucky girl to get to encounter 45 of the most elite bull riders every year. I am so lucky to make their acquantance once or twice in a 12 month calander year. These guys make me see that my dreams are conquerable! They make me want to strive to be a better person. They make me want excitement out of life.
Its this family that I know why God gave them to me. He gave them to me to share with the world, to tell people about the exciting yet dangerous sport of bull riding.
However, I still wonder what is in store with the future. I know I never told you but my dream job would be to work for the PBR. My dream job is to be there for the riders when things like this happen. I only hope I continue to persue my dreams and continue to be open with my hearts desire!
Out of the chute and off to wonder some more,
Please keep praying for my favorite bull rider he is in need of it!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
A writer: What it means?
For many years I didn't want to define myself as a writer. For writers where people who wanted the world to read what they wrote. It took me years to even be able to scare pieces of my works with individuals through other means than just cyber space.
Writing a sequel to my first novel, I find it real ironic that after taking a course in creative non-fiction that my writing would have had a tremendous change on my life.
I started this blog hoping to find something that was missing. Trying to get past the loss of my best friend. Hoping that those elusive dreams that have been waved in front of me would be gone.
Those were fantasies, intertwined in the reality of it all. Though, as the excitement of a grand day comes to the end I realize that I feed off some want. Some dream to make my fantasy reality.
One such fantasy is that of me and a professional bull rider. He drives me wild. He makes me nuts, he makes me feel special and he doesnt even mean too. I read into things maybe a little deeper than some would say, but there is also the question of his momma.
Talking to them makes me feel that the years of heart ache that has been sprinkled into my life.
Though what it means to be a writer is being okay with opening up the heart ache. To analyze its repercussions on the enviroment. It means to take moments that seem unreal and make them reality.
Although every great writer must find their muse. I guess I found mine in the darkness which will one day through my writing produce rays of light. Light for myself to guide my winding path by, and light for my readers to chose a different road.
Writing a sequel to my first novel, I find it real ironic that after taking a course in creative non-fiction that my writing would have had a tremendous change on my life.
I started this blog hoping to find something that was missing. Trying to get past the loss of my best friend. Hoping that those elusive dreams that have been waved in front of me would be gone.
Those were fantasies, intertwined in the reality of it all. Though, as the excitement of a grand day comes to the end I realize that I feed off some want. Some dream to make my fantasy reality.
One such fantasy is that of me and a professional bull rider. He drives me wild. He makes me nuts, he makes me feel special and he doesnt even mean too. I read into things maybe a little deeper than some would say, but there is also the question of his momma.
Talking to them makes me feel that the years of heart ache that has been sprinkled into my life.
Though what it means to be a writer is being okay with opening up the heart ache. To analyze its repercussions on the enviroment. It means to take moments that seem unreal and make them reality.
Although every great writer must find their muse. I guess I found mine in the darkness which will one day through my writing produce rays of light. Light for myself to guide my winding path by, and light for my readers to chose a different road.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
philophobia
Philophobia: The fear of being in or loving another. It's ironic that there is actually a scientific fear of this. Unfortunatly, I could be one of many individuals diagnosised with this. How did love get such a bad rap? As a child being cradled, nurtured, and hugged all promoted postive growth. As teens we only wish to find love like those around us. Young adulthood may lead to our first serious relationship, and heartbreak.
So, How did Philophobia develop in my life? First off, I have the last name of a man who broke promises consistantly. I let him keep pulling me in with gifts and other sympathy, when really all I wanted was his love. Maybe at the age of 14 it was the overwhelming fear of never having a boyfriend. Then 16 came around and he appeared. Though, after a trip that opened my eyes up to a world outside my small town, that relationship crumbled.
I've kissed strangers in hope that something might occur, I've changed and reverted back, I've tried to be perfect and learned I never will be.
So why, why the fear? Maybe part of it came from losing my best friend. For a best friend no matter what gender gives you love and support. Prehaps, its the fact that I am the kind of girl who shys away from putting herself out there because she always dreamt of love like in old westerns. Maybe, its that her perception of what love should be has changed.
Though, I guess this is something I will either accept or out grow. For who knows what tomorrow brings. I guess I just fear that this fear will keep me from ever being truly happy. Well, I guess ill have to wait and see
So, How did Philophobia develop in my life? First off, I have the last name of a man who broke promises consistantly. I let him keep pulling me in with gifts and other sympathy, when really all I wanted was his love. Maybe at the age of 14 it was the overwhelming fear of never having a boyfriend. Then 16 came around and he appeared. Though, after a trip that opened my eyes up to a world outside my small town, that relationship crumbled.
I've kissed strangers in hope that something might occur, I've changed and reverted back, I've tried to be perfect and learned I never will be.
So why, why the fear? Maybe part of it came from losing my best friend. For a best friend no matter what gender gives you love and support. Prehaps, its the fact that I am the kind of girl who shys away from putting herself out there because she always dreamt of love like in old westerns. Maybe, its that her perception of what love should be has changed.
Though, I guess this is something I will either accept or out grow. For who knows what tomorrow brings. I guess I just fear that this fear will keep me from ever being truly happy. Well, I guess ill have to wait and see
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Omnia Sol
This was my senior song in high school. The college I attend also performed this song the year before I came here. Z. Randall stroope power ballad of moving through life. It's ironic that as a senior in college I still hold Omina Sol close to my heart. However, the emotions run somewhat the same as they did four years ago, there is a new undertone that wasnt there.
" Weave the dance and raise the chorus; grieve no more…
Through the strength of Orion, find refuge from the shore!
Let courage be your oar, let passion be your sail;
Wisdom and truth will guide your deep heart’s yearning, though all travail!
O stay your soul and leave my heart its song!
O stay your hand; the journey may be long!
And when we part, and sorrow can’t be sway’d…
Remember when, and let your heart be staid"
This is now the most powerful part of Stroope song. Grieve no more....the heartache and tears of the past while they hurt should be set aside. Let orion be the strength and find refuge from the shore. God is my Orion and refuge is life itself. Let courage be your oar and passion be your sail. Passion for the future has always prepetuated me through all troubled times. Wisdom and truth will guide your deep hearts yearning... Thank goodness for that! and through all travial...telling us no matter what, substitute these simple things.
the beautifully melodic chorus. The repeated and hard fought lesson of it all.
Omnia Sol was a song that I sang with many great people in my life. Its a song ive caught myself humming too. I feel like God has used the message of Stroope's lyrics to remind me that no matter what outcome comes with my life to keep moving forward.
So, in the lesson of this blog! Stay the course, and hold on to your dreams! Because somehow, someway, it will all come out alright in the end!
" Weave the dance and raise the chorus; grieve no more…
Through the strength of Orion, find refuge from the shore!
Let courage be your oar, let passion be your sail;
Wisdom and truth will guide your deep heart’s yearning, though all travail!
O stay your soul and leave my heart its song!
O stay your hand; the journey may be long!
And when we part, and sorrow can’t be sway’d…
Remember when, and let your heart be staid"
This is now the most powerful part of Stroope song. Grieve no more....the heartache and tears of the past while they hurt should be set aside. Let orion be the strength and find refuge from the shore. God is my Orion and refuge is life itself. Let courage be your oar and passion be your sail. Passion for the future has always prepetuated me through all troubled times. Wisdom and truth will guide your deep hearts yearning... Thank goodness for that! and through all travial...telling us no matter what, substitute these simple things.
the beautifully melodic chorus. The repeated and hard fought lesson of it all.
Omnia Sol was a song that I sang with many great people in my life. Its a song ive caught myself humming too. I feel like God has used the message of Stroope's lyrics to remind me that no matter what outcome comes with my life to keep moving forward.
So, in the lesson of this blog! Stay the course, and hold on to your dreams! Because somehow, someway, it will all come out alright in the end!
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Shattered Reality
We all hate it, the negativity, the hardships. We all dispise the feeling of inferiority and disguist. Well, I'm 21 and my reality shattered when I was 19. Losing your best friend isn't easy, it isn't suppose to be. It's like losing a member of your family. The scars just don't ever heal.
Then you bring into your life, a creative writing class. I am a writer, I am proud to admit that, but the whole semester you have started to realize that "You" are not the only one suffering these great pains. Then you look out of the scope of the class and realize the world is dealing with these things too. In my life I come from a divorced and re-married family, I was and still at times is an emotional eater, I was teased for wearing glasses, for being fat, and my smarts, I also had an emotional abusive relationship at 16!
I'm not writing this so the world will pitty me. I try to pride myself on not being that way! I wanted to write this to tell you that hard things come our way. We don't like it, we never will! We are all reaching for our own prize.
I was average men risk their lives on bulls, and for a mere 1 million dollars and gold buckles that declare them champions. That they are, they are champions. So, you too, can be ca champion.
God is the driver, but you are the passenger. God is taking you on the roads in which he has paved for you. Yes these roads may cause heartache and tears, but God is leaving you with Strength.
I don't physically see myself as a strong girl! Yes, I am pretty big and with red hair could probably kick someones ass out of shear rage (but im not that kind of person). Though emotionally, I find myself strong. God has given me the strength to carry on. I look back at my past and I'm not ashamed of where I come from, but rather greatful. I am humbled to have experienced even what I have in my 21 short years.
You may wonder how I look at some of these experience that way, and for you the topics are really just surface descriptions, but I get by because I know that God has a plan.
I like everyone else wish I knew the details of this plan, but I don't.
Maybe one day I will work for the PBR, maybe I won't.
Maybe I'll get into a school in Texas, Maybe New Mexico, but only God knows where to best send me.
Maybe I will fall in love, maybe it will take time. (Being single since you are 16 sucks, but in a way im still old fashion. This is one of those lessons in Patience).
Though no matter what determines to shatter my reality next, I will hold my head high and not surrender. For surrendering is a cowardly way to go.
I just want you to all know YOU ARE STRONG! YOU CAN DEFEAT THE MONSTERS! THE OBSTACLES CAN BE OVERCAME! DO NOT FEEL TRAPPED! THERE IS A WINDOW OR A DOOR THAT WILL LEAD YOU OUT OF THERE!
God Bless
Then you bring into your life, a creative writing class. I am a writer, I am proud to admit that, but the whole semester you have started to realize that "You" are not the only one suffering these great pains. Then you look out of the scope of the class and realize the world is dealing with these things too. In my life I come from a divorced and re-married family, I was and still at times is an emotional eater, I was teased for wearing glasses, for being fat, and my smarts, I also had an emotional abusive relationship at 16!
I'm not writing this so the world will pitty me. I try to pride myself on not being that way! I wanted to write this to tell you that hard things come our way. We don't like it, we never will! We are all reaching for our own prize.
I was average men risk their lives on bulls, and for a mere 1 million dollars and gold buckles that declare them champions. That they are, they are champions. So, you too, can be ca champion.
God is the driver, but you are the passenger. God is taking you on the roads in which he has paved for you. Yes these roads may cause heartache and tears, but God is leaving you with Strength.
I don't physically see myself as a strong girl! Yes, I am pretty big and with red hair could probably kick someones ass out of shear rage (but im not that kind of person). Though emotionally, I find myself strong. God has given me the strength to carry on. I look back at my past and I'm not ashamed of where I come from, but rather greatful. I am humbled to have experienced even what I have in my 21 short years.
You may wonder how I look at some of these experience that way, and for you the topics are really just surface descriptions, but I get by because I know that God has a plan.
I like everyone else wish I knew the details of this plan, but I don't.
Maybe one day I will work for the PBR, maybe I won't.
Maybe I'll get into a school in Texas, Maybe New Mexico, but only God knows where to best send me.
Maybe I will fall in love, maybe it will take time. (Being single since you are 16 sucks, but in a way im still old fashion. This is one of those lessons in Patience).
Though no matter what determines to shatter my reality next, I will hold my head high and not surrender. For surrendering is a cowardly way to go.
I just want you to all know YOU ARE STRONG! YOU CAN DEFEAT THE MONSTERS! THE OBSTACLES CAN BE OVERCAME! DO NOT FEEL TRAPPED! THERE IS A WINDOW OR A DOOR THAT WILL LEAD YOU OUT OF THERE!
God Bless
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