Dear Best Friend...Can You HEAR ME?

Dear Linsey-

I was wondering if you could hear me from way up there? If you hear me cry? Do you hear me scream? Dear Best friend, you want to know something funny that happened to me today? Well, my boss was not happy and said all she needed to do was talk to her best friend who she hadn't talked to in three days. THREE DAYS? Thats an lifetime it seems...I didn't have the heart to tell her that I hadn't heard your voice in three years. I didn't tell her that for three years now I've had to take on more dreams and had to find a way to make them happen. I couldn't muster up the strength to tell her how hard it truly is when your best friend is no longer on the Earth. Sure, her's is in Japan and that has to be tough but come on...I CAN'T Fly to heaven for a vacation!

Three years...It's to the point that I wish I could fight with you just to make up again. When I blast the radio...I wish you were there singing at the top of your lungs too. When it comes to Rodeo and Cowboys I wish you could see how great J.B. is doin' again. I wish you could see Mckennon's comeback to the tour. I wish you could see and meet some of my great new friends. The ones who can make me laugh, make me cry, who can't dance, and who can always remind me of my greatness.

I miss sleepovers, I miss beings activly involved in your families lives also. The kids are getting big...at least from the pictures I can see that. Your parents are still wonderful...I must say your dad is funny. I should have known that from all the times he told us that we couldn't bring Cowboys home. Your mom is still sweet as ever and still working hard.

I miss giving crazy gifts and having random holiday parties at my house. I miss being an unstoppable duo....I miss the backroad driving and the pool parties.

My dearest bestest friend....I miss the transformation from friend, to bestie, to sister. I miss the 12 years of laughter, tears, and life lessons. I miss the girl I use to be but know that the girl I am now had to come out sometime.

So, my dearest friend want to know some cool things that have happened to me in those three years: well....I am now a Bearcat Alumni: GO CATS. Even though you are suppose to be too :(. I am now friends with Mckennon's mom and she is adoreable. I am friends with his sisters...well Kind of...they are super amazing. His whole family is pretty cool. The girl he is gonna marry she is a stock contractor like we wanted to be. I love her bulls Get Western and Cowboy Casanova. I've fallen for a bareback rider...I know dont gasp too hard...he is pretty good at his job. I've lost a little weight and still workin on becomin that model we talked about.

While, I am not in PT school yet I still push towards that...and yes, I would still die to work for Tandy freeman someday! I have found a love for underground musicians...and I still love them when they go mainstream.

I still believe in Cowgirl Up, Cowgirls don't cry, and all those other hardass things I believed in. My boots are still a trademark and I have become the western guru of my facebook friends.

Well...If you can hear me then you know that I always miss you. That I smile everytime I see a butterfly pass me. You know that I am now a bonafide hunter and that I would do anything for us to have gotten into that when you were here.

It's Christmas time and I am sure you have a grand party with the Man upstairs. I hope it's lots of fun and if you talk to Lane, Freckles, or any other cool cowboy up there that you write those stories down...I expect a full report and meet and greet when I arrive.

So, I hope that people don't take their best friends for granted when they have them, because when they are gone...life becomes a bigger challenge, it becomes a few pathes and some lead to a dead end.

I miss you angel girl and if you can hear me I hope you know that I am trying my best to succeed for you!

I Must Admit

I must admit that I will always love him. So, to the future men in my life I apologize before hand.

I must admit that when I am on my highest high, it's because I just came from my lowest low.

I must admit that I have thought about taking my own life, but let the Lord remind me I have greatness to thrust upon the world.

I must admit that I am one blessed cookie.

I must admit that I am so ashamed that I used to hide my writing from the world.

I must admit that I don't know if I'll every remember all the lessons I've learned, but I won't ever forget who taught them to me.

I must admit that one day, or someday I want to be pictured in a magazine...weird for a girl whose always loved living out of the limelight.

I must admit that my grammar sucks but I still want to be a well-known author.

I must admit that I want to write a song with someone. I want it to be a song that people can relate to.

I must admit that I am honored that you even took the time to read this.

I must admit that I will always miss her. I will always want her to be by my side. So, when it starts to drive me crazy remind me to close my eyes and there she will be.

I must admit that as much as I want the new year to come, I just hope that I can survive its many changes.

I must admit that Texas will always hold my soul.

I must admit that I am glad life isn't fair, because I know where I would be going if it was.

I must admit that I am still learning how to stand on my own two feet.

I must admit that I need a girly girl to coach me in ways of make up and styling clothes.

I must admit that no matter how I met you, no matter if we still talk that I HOPE FOR THE BEST ALWAYS!

I must admit that this is dragging on to long.

I must admit....

New writing adventure

I am doing something I am not use to doing but I hope it turns out alright....The girl is in a creative writing class and has to chart her emotions through the semester...it will end up spanning a year in college because she enjoys the venting. She is to not use the same emotion twice & she must chose a dictionary definition and also define it herself. after defining it she will recall and recount memories or things that made her feel that way...This is the first entry it is not an emotion but rather how I figured it could uniquly tie the book together....

Please Comment if you have any ways I can make this better or even if you just like it...
THANKS Y'all & Blessings


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Emery Jude Dixon

Emery: English in origin and means work ruler. Originally an English surname.

Jude: English in origin meaning from Judea

Dixon: English in origin meaning son of Richard

My thoughts: At least my parents stuck with the English origin. And I can’t blame the last name from being wrong. My grandfather’s name is Garth. In school I always went by E.J. Dixon. It was neither too feminine or to masculine and it always fit on the back of a rodeo team shirt.

So, my creative writing professor has given us a challenge. To start this journal and to track our emotions throughout the semester. We cannot use the same emotion twice and we must not only define it with the help of Mr. Webster but through our excerpt allowing our reader to sense and feel our emotions. For one I would almost think this was a crock of bull except for after compiling said journal I hope to show my grandmother that I belong as an English major and not a science one.

My first excerpt is supposed to lay the land out for my readers. He said, “ ‘ Give them a glimpse into their subject.’ “Well, here I am boring you with a glimpse. So far you know my name. I’m Emery and while you can call me E.J. If you want, I should knock one thing out for you right away. I am and will always be a cowgirl. So, if you are hesitant to read on understand. I say the words please and thank you. In my dialog I don’t like the letter g. I talk slow but I am not stupid. I am tough….which makes this project tough. Why should I let the world feel my  raw emotions. Well, consider this your warning that this project will become real and uncut. He expressed that we can leave this uncensored and real so I also suppose I should describe myself: I am about 5 Ft. 6 but taller with my boots on, I have auburn hair and paralyzing green eyes. My skin is fairly pale but I do have some freckles from working out in the sun. I am of average build and unlike Barbie I have natural curves. I wear my hair most commonly to the side in a braid. I don’t have a boyfriend and my guardians are my grandparents. I suppose if that’s not laying the land for my readers than he can shove it. You’re bound to learn more than you bargained for in the months ahead.

Leaving the corral,

E.J. Dixon

Sometimes what you wanted was always inside of you

Growing up I always thought I was such an abnormal person. I have a hard time walking  on an even surface, I have always loved learning new things, and while all my other friends wanted to be pop princesses I wanted to be like Loretta & Reba.
    I'm 22 and on the cusp of turning 23 in 14 days. I can say that there is a lot of things I have wanted in life and some I haven't gotten & others are still in the beginning stages. As I await patiently to learn my fate about Physical Therapy school and a life changing move to Texas I couldn't help but have a nostalgic weekend.
      I never realized how a town could still hold memories so crisp and clear. Every time I return to my College Alma Mater I get excited and I am happy with the people I get to see. There are friends from my numerous organizations but many of them have become more than friends. A lot of them actually help me realize that I am greater than I ever could have imagined. They have shown me that my whole life of me hiding behind my weight & glasses was hiding somethings that the world deserved to see.
     I let this fear of turning into a carbon compressed diamond blind me from showing the world the pearl I am. I felt so comfortable in my shell & never imagined the day of my harvest. We are all pearls...all unique and stand for different things. We all have different dreams & goals but sometimes you realize that the differences you thought made you abnormal really made you the same as people you probably didn't expect.
   Today I discovered that many people I have considered to be my biggest competition and I have a lot in common. so, as I despised them for getting what I fought for I was really despising parts of myself (hmm...am I a genius or what?).
     Although, I know I am a dreamer and live to accomplish every new one and old one I have ever imagined I also know that sometimes what you strive for the most has always been inside of you.
 Such as my caring heart or my uncanny way with words. So, when you feel like you have nothing good to bring to the world look inside of you. Your voice could start the rally for something important so when you think that what you want is something in this world know that you have great things within you! Use your talents & enjoy the outcomes!

When you fear blinding people like a diamond, don't forget how you glisten you beautiful Pearl!

Blessings & well Wishes

A silent Scream

I feel like my entire life I have been the daughter who has had to keep it together. The daughter who if showing just an ounce of weakness was told to straighten up and stop crying. I feel like I tried to condition myself from feeling pain because I was constantly walking through it and in it.

I am 22 years old and a little over a month towards being 23. I didnt get into PT school and for me it was a huge devastation although my mother told me I had to hold it together and figure out the next option. So I applied to PTA school and got in but I came home and my mom told me maybe I should finically wait and so I did.

Now I am in a dead end job and everyone is leaving. These past two days I have sat in my house and was only called upon when needed. I feel like as if my family has gotten lose in the struggles of the world and forget what being a family was. All i hear out of my step-father anymore is an occasional hello and my mother just seems to tell me what I need to do and not support me. While my little sister thinks that she is my boss and my older sister is constantly telling me that she is so glad her kids have me to look up to.

While, I sit here and silently scream I dont hear a "How can I help you?" a, "What's goin' on" instead I cry. I havent cried or attempted not to grow a lot while growing up and now all I can do is cry.

I am a Christian and I know that God is with me and that things will play out for the best but im tired of people rejoicing when I am doing great things but not giving two craps when I am in a bind.

However, I am gonna look at this as braving this storm and in return I know there will be a rainbow and a few minutes of happiness.

I am just so sick of no one hearing me and yet I always hear everyone elses cry....SO WHY MUST I DO THIS ALONE?

Sometimes You figure out

Sometimes you figure out that the value of someones smile is worth more than gold.

Sometimes you figure out that you are worth more than people treat you.

Sometimes you figure out that even after years of not saying hello, people still recognize and can laugh with you.

Sometimes you figure out that a way to relieve the stress of the world is to surround yourself with people who make you smile.

Sometimes you figure out that no matter where you go...even though your of legal age someone is gonna think your a high schooler.

Sometimes you figure out that some people just have cooler ideas then you.

Sometimes you figure out that no matter how bad your heart wants something, God has a better plan for you.

Sometimes you figure out that your hand could hold the strength someone is looking for.

Sometimes you figure out that time and years don't make a true friend but memories and hearts do.

Sometimes you figure out that your plans just arent the best ones for you.

Sometimes you figure out that you can always find happiness even if you feel like your surrounded by darkness.

Sometimes you figure out that while it pains you that they are not here now, it will be worth the joy later on.

Sometimes you figure out that those you thought knew so little about you, actually knows everything about you.

Sometimes you figure out that you sit down, when its your time to stand.

Sometimes you figure out that your small voice could start a movement.

God Bless y'all

Out of the millions we meet...only few make a siginificant difference

In our life we meet couthroughntless people...some we never get to say more than a simple hello...others we get to unchain their souls. Three years ago today I lost someone who knew where all the hidden keys were located. She could pop a lock even without the key present. She understood that inside of me was this bright gem just dying to sparkle.

Although, in four years of College I got to meet and be the person to unlock others souls. Though I suppose I feel bad for never fully unlocking mine. Some parts may be because after losing her I was afaird of the secrets and the pain to come flying out. Prehaps...it was just me being stubborn me.

In my life I have withheld a lot from people. I suppose it was my way of protecting myself or maybe I have always had this random idea of being a burden. I suppose this idea came from my father. It seemed like he had to forget his promises because I was just another thing on his to do list. Now, my step-father has tried all he could to fix that but I suppose for some reason it still remains.

If we have ever gone to school together throughout our lives and you've felt like I never understood you. Chances are I did, but I was too afaird to let you understand also. If we went to school and you ever really cared but never had the time to show it I appreciate it. I appreciate all you did have the time to do. If you ever wonder if I think about you I do. It may not be everyday but their is that one song or that one color that reminds me of you. If you ever called me your friend I hope I was qualified and served my purpose. If you ever see me around and I seem cold or frozen I'm sorry.

I only strive to make a difference in the lives of everyone I meet. I suppose this was a lofty goal I concieved years ago. I suppose after going through so much pain I only wanted to be able to bring people the happiness that so alluded me. For 12 years I had a huge ball of Happiness in my best friend and after her I am tryin' to pick up the pieces to still discover it again.

If you ever wonder if I want you to succeed...absolutly. If you ever thought I was weird, ugly, annoying: I'm sure I gave you justice but I want you to know that I still want the best. If you think this is all a lie I hope you think twice.

Remember that we were made to build realationships of all degrees. So even if I'm someone who only pinchs the surface or I'm someone who gets to dive deep into your soul. Know I appreciate the time we've had or are having and I want to thank you for taking a chance on me.

God Bless and remember to Love and cherish the moments you have in your life!!