philophobia

Philophobia: The fear of being in or loving another. It's ironic that there is actually a scientific fear of this. Unfortunatly, I could be one of many individuals diagnosised with this. How did love get such a bad rap? As a child being cradled, nurtured, and hugged all promoted postive growth. As teens we only wish to find love like those around us. Young adulthood may lead to our first serious relationship, and heartbreak.

So, How did Philophobia develop in my life? First off, I have the last name of a man who broke promises consistantly. I let him keep pulling me in with gifts and other sympathy, when really all I wanted was his love. Maybe at the age of 14 it was the overwhelming fear of never having a boyfriend. Then 16 came around and he appeared. Though, after a trip that opened my eyes up to a world outside my small town, that relationship crumbled.

I've kissed strangers in hope that something might occur, I've changed and reverted back, I've tried to be perfect and learned I never will be.

So why, why the fear? Maybe part of it came from losing my best friend. For a best friend no matter what gender gives you love and support. Prehaps, its the fact that I am the kind of girl who shys away from putting herself out there because she always dreamt of love like in old westerns. Maybe, its that her perception of what love should be has changed.


Though, I guess this is something I will either accept or out grow. For who knows what tomorrow brings. I guess I just fear that this fear will keep me from ever being truly happy. Well, I guess ill have to wait and see

Omnia Sol

This was my senior song in high school. The college I attend also performed this song the year before I came here. Z. Randall stroope power ballad of moving through life. It's ironic that as a senior in college I still hold Omina Sol close to my heart. However, the emotions run somewhat the same as they did four years ago, there is a new undertone that wasnt there.

" Weave the dance and raise the chorus; grieve no more…
Through the strength of Orion, find refuge from the shore!
Let courage be your oar, let passion be your sail;
Wisdom and truth will guide your deep heart’s yearning, though all travail!

O stay your soul and leave my heart its song!
O stay your hand; the journey may be long!
And when we part, and sorrow can’t be sway’d…
Remember when, and let your heart be staid"

This is now the most powerful part of Stroope song. Grieve no more....the heartache and tears of the past while they hurt should be set aside. Let orion be the strength and find refuge from the shore. God is my Orion and refuge is life itself. Let courage be your oar and passion be your sail. Passion for the future has always prepetuated me through all troubled times. Wisdom and truth will guide your deep hearts yearning... Thank goodness for that! and through all travial...telling us no matter what, substitute these simple things.

the beautifully melodic chorus. The repeated and hard fought lesson of it all.

Omnia Sol was a song that I sang with many great people in my life. Its a song ive caught myself humming too. I feel like God has used the message of Stroope's lyrics to remind me that no matter what outcome comes with my life to keep moving forward.

So, in the lesson of this blog! Stay the course, and hold on to your dreams! Because somehow, someway, it will all come out alright in the end!