Poetry corner

Here is some of my poems...I don't consider myself a poet by any means but wanted some feed back...if you like em or if you think people would buy a book full of ones like this!!!

THANKS

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This one is called Feel

I feel like a stranger

I feel all alone

I feel helpless and hopeless

With no place to go

I feel like a gambler

Risking it all

I feel like a begger

Wondering what went wrong

I feel like a child

So young and niave

I feel like an adult

Still striving to chase my dreams

I feel like a burden

To heavy to carry

I feel like a bird

Without wings

I wish I could shake this

I wish it would go away

I wish I would feel worth it

I wish today everything

Would just be

OKAY

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I titled this You won't win

Your nothing but memories

Your nothing but tears

You’re nothing but an addiction

Your nothing but fears

You try to contain me

You try to hold me back

You try to leash me

You want me to come back

You strike at my heart

You strike at my soul

You strike at my mind

You want me to lose all control

You want to be my master

You want to be my boss

You want to be my lover

You want to be my  friend

I’m tired of running

I’m tired of fear

I’m tired of forgiving

I’m tired of tears

You can’t have me

You don’t deserve this

You can’t rip me apart

For nothing

You won’t win

Like this

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the last one of this blog...its untitled

We refuse to give in

We refuse to let go

We refuse to turn left

But it’s so hard to control

Our time together is fleeting

Our time together is scarce

Our time together seems to evaporate

Our time together disappears

You can’t freeze this

You can’t hide the truth

You can’t disguise your love

You can’t just let it go

Why did this happen?

Why did this have to end?

Why did you lead me on?

Why did I we commit a sin?

Where am I to go?

Where am I to hide?

Where am I to wander?

Without anyone passing by

Dear God, I'm sorry

Dear God-

If there was an address up in the sky I am sure a letter compiled similarly to this would reach you once about every two months. Sad really, I should be writting you letters of praise daily. However, I tell myself I am do busy or I do find time and it comes from selfish pretenses. God, I know you can't tell me everythin' if you did...then what would I have to truly live for. God, I know that I yearn for love but yet I have always had the greatest love within me. I don't know why it's so hard to remember that you sent your son and he outstretched his arms and said "I love you this big." I suppose that is why around easter our hearts sadden as we know that it was not him who put himself on the cross but rather us who did.

It's Christmas time...a time to celebrate what we've come to call as the nativity story or the birth of your son. However, why is that forgetton amongst the shopping for gifts and decorating the tree. I know that not everyone forget it and Lord, I apologize that sometimes or should I say most the time my family does. No, I am not trying to point finger even I forget the true meaning of Christmas from time to time. I suppose thats from working too many Christmas's in the retail setting.

God, I guess this letter was prompted because today I felt kind of alone. The house was empty except for the three dogs. Then there was that moment when I thought back to a beautiful friendship that you started between me and someone else and then you ended it also. I suppose I am asking you how to feel less guilty about such incident or if I ever will? Maybe the answer isn't in the voice I hear but rather the lessons I've been learning. I know in that moment when my life shattered or felt like it was shattering you wanted to draw me near.

I know this year I haven't been the best at coming to you with things. I still have that...I can do it on my own attitude but I NEED TO STOP THAT! I CANNOT DO IT ALL ON MY OWN. Phil. 4:13 says " I can do all things in Christ who gives me strength." THAT IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE VERSES YET I NEGLECT THE VERY MEANING. I even tattooed the word strength on my foot to remind me of that verse and remind me of the strength you gave my best friend in order to help her mold me into the woman I am today.
So, God...I'm sorry. I am sorry that unlike others I talk to everyday that I neglect finding the time for you. I'm sorry for the wrong things I do and heartly wish that years ago all the hate and anger I had towards you could be long forgotten in my heart. God, I know that the path of life you see for me is the right path and although it doesn't fit in "MY TIMING" it doesn't mean it Won't Happen.

God, I can't imagine scaraficing someone you love for thousands upon thousands of people who didnt deserve it. I AM THANKFUL EVERYDAY THAT YOU DID THOUGH. I am thankful that things in life isnt fair because if life was fair Lord I know where I belong. That thought sends chills down my spine but I have done more bad then good.

Tonight, as I slowly prepare for bed...I will find the time  to rekindle the father-daughter relationship you seek. Father, I want you to know that in my crazy life you have been the one constant father. I know I don't say this enough but I LOVE YOU TOO.

Good night Dad...I love you

Dear Best Friend...Can You HEAR ME?

Dear Linsey-

I was wondering if you could hear me from way up there? If you hear me cry? Do you hear me scream? Dear Best friend, you want to know something funny that happened to me today? Well, my boss was not happy and said all she needed to do was talk to her best friend who she hadn't talked to in three days. THREE DAYS? Thats an lifetime it seems...I didn't have the heart to tell her that I hadn't heard your voice in three years. I didn't tell her that for three years now I've had to take on more dreams and had to find a way to make them happen. I couldn't muster up the strength to tell her how hard it truly is when your best friend is no longer on the Earth. Sure, her's is in Japan and that has to be tough but come on...I CAN'T Fly to heaven for a vacation!

Three years...It's to the point that I wish I could fight with you just to make up again. When I blast the radio...I wish you were there singing at the top of your lungs too. When it comes to Rodeo and Cowboys I wish you could see how great J.B. is doin' again. I wish you could see Mckennon's comeback to the tour. I wish you could see and meet some of my great new friends. The ones who can make me laugh, make me cry, who can't dance, and who can always remind me of my greatness.

I miss sleepovers, I miss beings activly involved in your families lives also. The kids are getting big...at least from the pictures I can see that. Your parents are still wonderful...I must say your dad is funny. I should have known that from all the times he told us that we couldn't bring Cowboys home. Your mom is still sweet as ever and still working hard.

I miss giving crazy gifts and having random holiday parties at my house. I miss being an unstoppable duo....I miss the backroad driving and the pool parties.

My dearest bestest friend....I miss the transformation from friend, to bestie, to sister. I miss the 12 years of laughter, tears, and life lessons. I miss the girl I use to be but know that the girl I am now had to come out sometime.

So, my dearest friend want to know some cool things that have happened to me in those three years: well....I am now a Bearcat Alumni: GO CATS. Even though you are suppose to be too :(. I am now friends with Mckennon's mom and she is adoreable. I am friends with his sisters...well Kind of...they are super amazing. His whole family is pretty cool. The girl he is gonna marry she is a stock contractor like we wanted to be. I love her bulls Get Western and Cowboy Casanova. I've fallen for a bareback rider...I know dont gasp too hard...he is pretty good at his job. I've lost a little weight and still workin on becomin that model we talked about.

While, I am not in PT school yet I still push towards that...and yes, I would still die to work for Tandy freeman someday! I have found a love for underground musicians...and I still love them when they go mainstream.

I still believe in Cowgirl Up, Cowgirls don't cry, and all those other hardass things I believed in. My boots are still a trademark and I have become the western guru of my facebook friends.

Well...If you can hear me then you know that I always miss you. That I smile everytime I see a butterfly pass me. You know that I am now a bonafide hunter and that I would do anything for us to have gotten into that when you were here.

It's Christmas time and I am sure you have a grand party with the Man upstairs. I hope it's lots of fun and if you talk to Lane, Freckles, or any other cool cowboy up there that you write those stories down...I expect a full report and meet and greet when I arrive.

So, I hope that people don't take their best friends for granted when they have them, because when they are gone...life becomes a bigger challenge, it becomes a few pathes and some lead to a dead end.

I miss you angel girl and if you can hear me I hope you know that I am trying my best to succeed for you!

I Must Admit

I must admit that I will always love him. So, to the future men in my life I apologize before hand.

I must admit that when I am on my highest high, it's because I just came from my lowest low.

I must admit that I have thought about taking my own life, but let the Lord remind me I have greatness to thrust upon the world.

I must admit that I am one blessed cookie.

I must admit that I am so ashamed that I used to hide my writing from the world.

I must admit that I don't know if I'll every remember all the lessons I've learned, but I won't ever forget who taught them to me.

I must admit that one day, or someday I want to be pictured in a magazine...weird for a girl whose always loved living out of the limelight.

I must admit that my grammar sucks but I still want to be a well-known author.

I must admit that I want to write a song with someone. I want it to be a song that people can relate to.

I must admit that I am honored that you even took the time to read this.

I must admit that I will always miss her. I will always want her to be by my side. So, when it starts to drive me crazy remind me to close my eyes and there she will be.

I must admit that as much as I want the new year to come, I just hope that I can survive its many changes.

I must admit that Texas will always hold my soul.

I must admit that I am glad life isn't fair, because I know where I would be going if it was.

I must admit that I am still learning how to stand on my own two feet.

I must admit that I need a girly girl to coach me in ways of make up and styling clothes.

I must admit that no matter how I met you, no matter if we still talk that I HOPE FOR THE BEST ALWAYS!

I must admit that this is dragging on to long.

I must admit....

New writing adventure

I am doing something I am not use to doing but I hope it turns out alright....The girl is in a creative writing class and has to chart her emotions through the semester...it will end up spanning a year in college because she enjoys the venting. She is to not use the same emotion twice & she must chose a dictionary definition and also define it herself. after defining it she will recall and recount memories or things that made her feel that way...This is the first entry it is not an emotion but rather how I figured it could uniquly tie the book together....

Please Comment if you have any ways I can make this better or even if you just like it...
THANKS Y'all & Blessings


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Emery Jude Dixon

Emery: English in origin and means work ruler. Originally an English surname.

Jude: English in origin meaning from Judea

Dixon: English in origin meaning son of Richard

My thoughts: At least my parents stuck with the English origin. And I can’t blame the last name from being wrong. My grandfather’s name is Garth. In school I always went by E.J. Dixon. It was neither too feminine or to masculine and it always fit on the back of a rodeo team shirt.

So, my creative writing professor has given us a challenge. To start this journal and to track our emotions throughout the semester. We cannot use the same emotion twice and we must not only define it with the help of Mr. Webster but through our excerpt allowing our reader to sense and feel our emotions. For one I would almost think this was a crock of bull except for after compiling said journal I hope to show my grandmother that I belong as an English major and not a science one.

My first excerpt is supposed to lay the land out for my readers. He said, “ ‘ Give them a glimpse into their subject.’ “Well, here I am boring you with a glimpse. So far you know my name. I’m Emery and while you can call me E.J. If you want, I should knock one thing out for you right away. I am and will always be a cowgirl. So, if you are hesitant to read on understand. I say the words please and thank you. In my dialog I don’t like the letter g. I talk slow but I am not stupid. I am tough….which makes this project tough. Why should I let the world feel my  raw emotions. Well, consider this your warning that this project will become real and uncut. He expressed that we can leave this uncensored and real so I also suppose I should describe myself: I am about 5 Ft. 6 but taller with my boots on, I have auburn hair and paralyzing green eyes. My skin is fairly pale but I do have some freckles from working out in the sun. I am of average build and unlike Barbie I have natural curves. I wear my hair most commonly to the side in a braid. I don’t have a boyfriend and my guardians are my grandparents. I suppose if that’s not laying the land for my readers than he can shove it. You’re bound to learn more than you bargained for in the months ahead.

Leaving the corral,

E.J. Dixon

Sometimes what you wanted was always inside of you

Growing up I always thought I was such an abnormal person. I have a hard time walking  on an even surface, I have always loved learning new things, and while all my other friends wanted to be pop princesses I wanted to be like Loretta & Reba.
    I'm 22 and on the cusp of turning 23 in 14 days. I can say that there is a lot of things I have wanted in life and some I haven't gotten & others are still in the beginning stages. As I await patiently to learn my fate about Physical Therapy school and a life changing move to Texas I couldn't help but have a nostalgic weekend.
      I never realized how a town could still hold memories so crisp and clear. Every time I return to my College Alma Mater I get excited and I am happy with the people I get to see. There are friends from my numerous organizations but many of them have become more than friends. A lot of them actually help me realize that I am greater than I ever could have imagined. They have shown me that my whole life of me hiding behind my weight & glasses was hiding somethings that the world deserved to see.
     I let this fear of turning into a carbon compressed diamond blind me from showing the world the pearl I am. I felt so comfortable in my shell & never imagined the day of my harvest. We are all pearls...all unique and stand for different things. We all have different dreams & goals but sometimes you realize that the differences you thought made you abnormal really made you the same as people you probably didn't expect.
   Today I discovered that many people I have considered to be my biggest competition and I have a lot in common. so, as I despised them for getting what I fought for I was really despising parts of myself (hmm...am I a genius or what?).
     Although, I know I am a dreamer and live to accomplish every new one and old one I have ever imagined I also know that sometimes what you strive for the most has always been inside of you.
 Such as my caring heart or my uncanny way with words. So, when you feel like you have nothing good to bring to the world look inside of you. Your voice could start the rally for something important so when you think that what you want is something in this world know that you have great things within you! Use your talents & enjoy the outcomes!

When you fear blinding people like a diamond, don't forget how you glisten you beautiful Pearl!

Blessings & well Wishes

A silent Scream

I feel like my entire life I have been the daughter who has had to keep it together. The daughter who if showing just an ounce of weakness was told to straighten up and stop crying. I feel like I tried to condition myself from feeling pain because I was constantly walking through it and in it.

I am 22 years old and a little over a month towards being 23. I didnt get into PT school and for me it was a huge devastation although my mother told me I had to hold it together and figure out the next option. So I applied to PTA school and got in but I came home and my mom told me maybe I should finically wait and so I did.

Now I am in a dead end job and everyone is leaving. These past two days I have sat in my house and was only called upon when needed. I feel like as if my family has gotten lose in the struggles of the world and forget what being a family was. All i hear out of my step-father anymore is an occasional hello and my mother just seems to tell me what I need to do and not support me. While my little sister thinks that she is my boss and my older sister is constantly telling me that she is so glad her kids have me to look up to.

While, I sit here and silently scream I dont hear a "How can I help you?" a, "What's goin' on" instead I cry. I havent cried or attempted not to grow a lot while growing up and now all I can do is cry.

I am a Christian and I know that God is with me and that things will play out for the best but im tired of people rejoicing when I am doing great things but not giving two craps when I am in a bind.

However, I am gonna look at this as braving this storm and in return I know there will be a rainbow and a few minutes of happiness.

I am just so sick of no one hearing me and yet I always hear everyone elses cry....SO WHY MUST I DO THIS ALONE?

Sometimes You figure out

Sometimes you figure out that the value of someones smile is worth more than gold.

Sometimes you figure out that you are worth more than people treat you.

Sometimes you figure out that even after years of not saying hello, people still recognize and can laugh with you.

Sometimes you figure out that a way to relieve the stress of the world is to surround yourself with people who make you smile.

Sometimes you figure out that no matter where you go...even though your of legal age someone is gonna think your a high schooler.

Sometimes you figure out that some people just have cooler ideas then you.

Sometimes you figure out that no matter how bad your heart wants something, God has a better plan for you.

Sometimes you figure out that your hand could hold the strength someone is looking for.

Sometimes you figure out that time and years don't make a true friend but memories and hearts do.

Sometimes you figure out that your plans just arent the best ones for you.

Sometimes you figure out that you can always find happiness even if you feel like your surrounded by darkness.

Sometimes you figure out that while it pains you that they are not here now, it will be worth the joy later on.

Sometimes you figure out that those you thought knew so little about you, actually knows everything about you.

Sometimes you figure out that you sit down, when its your time to stand.

Sometimes you figure out that your small voice could start a movement.

God Bless y'all

Out of the millions we meet...only few make a siginificant difference

In our life we meet couthroughntless people...some we never get to say more than a simple hello...others we get to unchain their souls. Three years ago today I lost someone who knew where all the hidden keys were located. She could pop a lock even without the key present. She understood that inside of me was this bright gem just dying to sparkle.

Although, in four years of College I got to meet and be the person to unlock others souls. Though I suppose I feel bad for never fully unlocking mine. Some parts may be because after losing her I was afaird of the secrets and the pain to come flying out. Prehaps...it was just me being stubborn me.

In my life I have withheld a lot from people. I suppose it was my way of protecting myself or maybe I have always had this random idea of being a burden. I suppose this idea came from my father. It seemed like he had to forget his promises because I was just another thing on his to do list. Now, my step-father has tried all he could to fix that but I suppose for some reason it still remains.

If we have ever gone to school together throughout our lives and you've felt like I never understood you. Chances are I did, but I was too afaird to let you understand also. If we went to school and you ever really cared but never had the time to show it I appreciate it. I appreciate all you did have the time to do. If you ever wonder if I think about you I do. It may not be everyday but their is that one song or that one color that reminds me of you. If you ever called me your friend I hope I was qualified and served my purpose. If you ever see me around and I seem cold or frozen I'm sorry.

I only strive to make a difference in the lives of everyone I meet. I suppose this was a lofty goal I concieved years ago. I suppose after going through so much pain I only wanted to be able to bring people the happiness that so alluded me. For 12 years I had a huge ball of Happiness in my best friend and after her I am tryin' to pick up the pieces to still discover it again.

If you ever wonder if I want you to succeed...absolutly. If you ever thought I was weird, ugly, annoying: I'm sure I gave you justice but I want you to know that I still want the best. If you think this is all a lie I hope you think twice.

Remember that we were made to build realationships of all degrees. So even if I'm someone who only pinchs the surface or I'm someone who gets to dive deep into your soul. Know I appreciate the time we've had or are having and I want to thank you for taking a chance on me.

God Bless and remember to Love and cherish the moments you have in your life!!

What you learn in 10 years?

Ten years ago today I was sitting in a 7th grade science classroom. As the bell rang to change classes all I could remember was seeing that plane hit the second tower. I remember going into my reading class and hearing a very wise 8th grade history teacher tell my reading teacher to turn back on the TV. He told her that if we do not watch history we won't understand it later. So all day our teachers let us sit and stare at the Televison. I feel like I was glossy eyed most of the day.
 When I got home all I could remember is wanting to watch some stupid cartoon and yet everything seemed to be momentarily frozen on the events that had occured in the morning hours.

Now, as a 22 year old women I am disguisted with my niavity. For I should have listened to that very wise 8th grade teacher. He has warned me that my life was bound to change by a senseless incident that happened miles away from my once small town. I didn't lose anyone in the attacks that took place that day but as the years passed ive watched countless documentaries...went to relive that day at the traveling exhibit and even questions what would I have done.

In those ten years...I've grown, I've learned, and I still don't understand why so many people had to lose their lives that day. I heard the Heaven remix-2011 by Dj Sammy yesterday on my way to work. To think of all the children who lost their parents. I know I at time take my parents for granted. I sometimes forget to say I LOVE YOU or even take the time to ask them how things are going. However, I cannot imagine how I would feel if I couldn't see them sporting their proud parent shirts from my college alma mater or remind me of my great character.

Three years ago the day after 9/11 an event that doesnt rock a nation occured. I lost my best friend. When we witnessed the events of 9/11 we thought we were invicible. We thought we would be dancing at each others weddings and making fun of each other when we got pregant and all the other things best friends do...but then I remember that it's only been three years. Ten years ago....A LOT OF PEOPLE LOST THEIR BEST FRIENDS!

So here's to never forgetting the history that has unfolded before us. Here is to never forgetting the power of each other. HERE IS TO BEING GRATEFUL FOR ALL YOU HAVE. HERE IS TO LOVING YOUR FAMILY, YOUR FRIENDS. MOST OF ALL HERE IS TO BEING BLESSED ENOUGH TO GROW UP IN A COUNTRY WHERE PEOPLE ARE SELFLESS ENOUGH TO DIE FOR THE DREAMS YOU IMAGINE!

THANK YOU LORD FOR ALL YOU DO AND MAY THIS NATION REALIZE THAT WE WERE BUILT ON YOU. SO WE MUST STAND STRONG AND NEVER DIVIDED!

NEVER FORGET BUT RISE ABOVE

They trickle slowly

I suppose I set myself up for the trickle effect. I set myself up to be tough. To hold back what I thought was weakness. To hold back the pain and anxiety. I come home from work and It doesn't feel like a home anymore. I'm 22 and why yes I would love to escape for a week or two I want my family to stay strong. I've seen my family crumble before..I was six and my mom sent me off to live with my grandmother. I realize now that it was her first attempt to show me that I had some sort of potential that she didn't spot in my sisters. Perhaps, its because the father I do not know is some CEO or Big wig. Maybe, at six years old I showed some radical glimspe of something big.

I sit here however 22 and crippled. Crippled by the harsh reality that surrounds me. Surrounded by the yearning to be someplace with excitement while being stuck like a fly to fly tape. I was told today by a complete stranger that I have a heart of gold. Told that a physical therapy school would be foolish to not want a heart like mine.
Amist all of the fog that has started the day I had felt some light. Almost as if God had sent her to remind me of the most simplistic thing.
   This summer I have realized that my weight was a cover up. Now workin' hard to getting healthy and fit I find that its not just the outside exterior one must shed it's this boulder of emotions inside as well. I suppose its the years of feeling like a complete outcast, or quite possibly it was my fault for comparing myself to others.
    I don't regret my past but I do have high hopes for my future. I suppose that is my Zodiac sign talking. Ever the sign of optimism. So tonight I'll let them trickle down. I'll let them burn my cheeks. I'll let the moments I've clinged to fall. I'll let the pain wash over the exterior. For once I will lose myself in the lyrics and harmony as they come tumbling down.
     I suppose the lesson in this blog is that true strength comes from admitting that things haven't always been picture perfect and not accepting it but overcoming the distortion. Overcoming the pain and turning it into something beautiful.
  To weave the pleasure and the pain into a blanket. One that warms your soul and reminds you to continue to push forward to greatness.

So, do you have things you want to let trickle down? Do you have things to weave? Let the pain burn and the pleasure ignite. May you find some sort of comfort in the confusion in the fear. DO NOT HIDE FROM IT, FOR IT WILL FIND YOU AGAIN! STAND UP, STAND OUT, AND EMBRACE THE FACT THAT YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE!

Wanna find that someone

I feel that weird pressure again. To find someone that makes me feel good. That makes me feel like I could do no wrong, even when I am wrong. I suppose I need to quit watching reality TV shows about love or prehaps its my own stint as a romance writer that it hitting it off big time.

Tonight I watched this show called big sexy. My whole life I have been bigger than most of the people in my family. I look back at pictures and cringe because I was not taking care of myself. I am currently a size 16. A size i've been before. Although, I know this is something not under the big girl code...I see myself smaller. It's not the world telling me this rather myself I suppose.

I have friends who tell me all the time about how they love big girls. How there is just something about us. I'd like to think their is a lot more heart and personality. I think a lot of that has to do with how we learned to get noticed.

So, I am this girl and am deeply enchanted by this guy. Enchanted may not be the world but I am completely dumbfounded by him. He can make me smile, laugh, and at times even scream. Although, as I think of trying to hold on the possiblity of something I know he is happy. Happy with a women who isn't me.

Last night I had one of those bouts of tears. He was racing around my mind. He was captivating me. His named swirled and my heart cried out for him. However, like always he didn't hear. It's really not his fault he doesn't hear. There is distance, there is complications, and then there is just all these insecurities I have.

I suppose maybe this is hitting about now because we are coming upon the 3 year anniversary of me losing my best friend. The person who told me I was beautiful at all stages of my weight battle. Who told me that I am the only one he could ever truly love, prehaps it was her internal optimism why I hang on today..

Then I remember God tells me that "Love is patient." Not that you have to tell me that twice. I mean I didn't have my first boyfriend until I was 16 and am now happily 22 and still single.

Although, I know as time passes things will appear and I will simply smile.

So...if your like me...Love who you are. Embrace the opportunities that await you, and never forget that if your watching for Mr. or Mrs. Right that in due time....they will appear and love everything. Even your most annoying little habits, and they will cherish them the most.

So Laugh often, Life fully, and LOVE LIKE YOU AIN'T GONNA GET HURT!

GOD BLESS

Almost three years

Its been almost three years since my best friend left this world. Three years that I am amazed I survived. However, I know I have a huge support staff and somewhere deep inside this chamber of greatness. I'm not sure where it is located. I often think its in my heart but it could also be in my stubborn mind.

Three years ago I screamed that it was unfair. So unfair I thought I would go insane. While yes...at 20 years old no one should lose someone so close as a best friend. The person who can repeat your stories, who suggests the cutest hair cuts, and reminds you that he looks so good in wranglers.

However, as this summer has rolled on I have found out that my running shoes wont carry me away from my worries but they can help drift me away for a few blocks. My tennis shoes are customized to my Alma Mater. A school that has seen its fair share of devestations. From the loss of a head football coach to natural weather disasters its a school of people who never give up. And its not even Division 1.

In those four years just like these last three I have seen tremendous growth. I have come out of wanting to hide my writing. I have found this love for it well beyond words. In the past three years I have realized that some people need you more than you need them. I found out that your hero can become one of your friends.

If Linsey Kay Nelson was here I know she would be smiling. She was always smiling. She would be proud of the weight I've lost. Planning what our future apartment would look like in Texas and probably still be singing along to The Wreckers. If she was here I know the tears I shed would be few but it's no longer such an unfair thing.

For the twelve years I got with her. Trump a lot. I got to teach her about bull riding. She taught me thats life's a dance (believe me I am truly dancing now). She reminded me how important family is and that being different is being extraordinarily you.

Sept 12th, 2011 marks three years. Three years of butterfly gazing, self doubting, and heartache. However, this year I won't be crying about the facts that I won't ever go to her wedding or see her and a certain cowboy have babies. I will rejoice at the fact that I got to see her glowing smile for 12 years. I will be rejoicing with teddy grahams and root beer. I might even have a mike's for her.

I can't be mad anymore...Like Eli Young Band says...Life at best is a struggle because it makes other moments so much more beautiful.

I have met some of the greatest people in this life. Some of them have definitely changed me. So here is to happiness. To becoming the women God meant for me to be. For taking the high road. THIS IS FOR A GIRL WHO ALWAYS KNEW I WAS DESTINED FOR GREATNESS! I WONT LET YOU DOWN. I PROMISE GOD AND YOU THAT I WILL DO GREAT THINGS!

God Bless

There comes a time when....

There comes a time when whatever guilt you held on to over the years needs to be let go.

There comes a time when even though you feel a strong power of unjustice on your own shoulders. You have to rise above it.

There comes a time when you just cry even if you don't know the cause.

There comes a time when you tell yourself that you are worth it.

There comes a time when you give your whole heart away and hope your gonna get it back.

There comes a time when the little things matter the most always.

There comes a time when the ones around you realize that your dreams aren't just passionate wants, they are your life.

There comes a time when you stand up instead of silently sitting down.

There comes a time when you know exactly what people are going through even if you have never met them.

There comes a time when you gotta stand firm even when the ground seems to be crumbling.

There comes a time when you accept your life design...not all of us can be movie stars and hella great athletes.

There comes a time when you only hope those you care for turn their life around.

There comes a time when feeling so small disappears.

There comes a time when Yes is the answer.

There comes a time when Fantasy becomes the new reality.

There comes a time when you look into the mirror and say "DAMN, I AM LOOKING GOOD"

There comes a time when your friends become a piece of you that you now cant live without.

There comes a time when a person must give in to their talents. Hiding them is a shame.

There comes a time when the shy ones find their voice.

There comes a time when your heros become your best friends.

There comes a time when living is the only option.

There comes a time when you are gonna need a hand to hold.

There comes a time when you look back you smile at the good times, the bad ones, and the unbelievable ones.

There comes a time when We ALL FINALLY WIN AT SOMETHING.

There comes a time when our lives have been fully lived.

Turning Point

I am sure in life we all have those moments when we question our intellectual capability of decision making. One thing my turning point i guess forgot about was the need to take care of myself. So this summer I have made myself a priority and have lost 7 pant sizes and while I am not done yet...tonight affirmed to me that I am doing better.

While in high school I was almost diagnosed with high blood pressure. Ever since then I tried to self monitor and I would always be a little hypertensive. Well tonight when we were out I tested and for the first time both my numbers were below normal and my heart beats per minute were not crazy erratic either. So needless to say I feel really good. I mean I do not look into the mirror and see the person I want to see yet but I am still going to work towards the goal. Keep my eye on the prize so to speak.


However, there is another thing going on in my life that doesn't seem to be turning around. My love life. While, I am not trying to be overly concerned or traumatic. Sometimes my sisters have bad judgement and love is not a strong suit I suppose in my family. Backround knowledge I come from a divorced family. My mom remarried and my step dad is AMAZING! I love both my parents and they have done a lot for me and my two sisters. While, my older sister has three adoreable kids but unfortunatly only has custody of two of them. So, I ask myself when will she turn her life around for them two. Tonight, we went and picked up my niece stuff to get ready for her first day of school. I can't believe she is even old enough to go to school. Although, I am now straying off topic. Sorry for those tad bits of randomness. Anyways, I wonder why my sister cannot put her foolishness or her ideals away for the two most wonderful kids in the world. I am not saying that because they are related to me or anything but truly they bring smiles to my faces.

I have a younger sister and following dangerously in my older sisters footsteps. She has a daughter and I love her to death. We have dance parties constantly which I do not mind at all. Our love for music is real deep. Now, her problem is needing a turning point on her weight also and her future. She just graduated high school which is a huge accomplishment but its time to better yourself for your daughter.

I guess I have no real room to speak. I am not a mom and I am rather selfish as my family points out at times. I suppose the selfishness comes because I know I am capable of achieveing things greater than my thoughts or dreams. So I push myself to figure out what exactly my purpose is I suppose is the words I am looking for.

I didn't write this blog to degraded my sisters. I love them for who they are and love the little people they have brought into it. I wrote this blog I suppose to tell you its never to late to step back and reevaluate. Sometimes we all need to look at things from a fresh perspective.

For life is merely like a game of cards. It takes skill and strategy to learn to play. Though in this game there is only one shot and sometimes we have to lay the cards down and tell ourselves....this is only one turning point of many on the S curve commonly called life.

Blessings and Well Wishes

May you find the happiness you seek and the Love thats everlasting

when life gives you rough times...Friends will get you through

Somedays I know I am not the only one who feels alone but than I remember all the awesome people I have met along my way. Yesterday, I witnessed two friends coming together and becoming one. It was a beautiful and great time.  I am so proud of the Johnston's- John and Cassy because I know they can do whatever they set their mind to.
 I then got reminded of all the great friendship I made while in college. Naming them all would take this entire blog so I will stick to the simple THANK YOU! I suppose it is people like you who remind me that I am greater than I envision. However, on the way to the wedding and home I couldn't help but see a plethora of butterflies. I couldn't help but laugh, smile, and even cry a little. Maybe its because this weekend I was reminded that with one person happiness comes another ones sorrow. My parents had to go to the funeral of a wonderful man today who told me all the best places to go when I finally find my way to Texas. It is that irony that sometimes shows it way into my life. Playing out its own harmonics and tunes. Though, it sparked me to get really nerdy on my drive home and wonder what the Ethmology of the word Friend came from. Etymology for those who dont know is the study of words and its origins. Friend is a word that  came into play in the late 14 century english as I have discovered and according to dictionary.com the word has 5 definitions and can sometimes be rarely used as a verb which yeilds two more.
However, I am not out to bore you. I suppose this is me giving out a big electronical thank you to the people who have held my hand, listen to me rant, or even wanted to ring my neck for my stupidity. This is for those still in my life and the friends of the past who have sprinkled a little more essence into my life. To the people who remind me constantly that I am not always right or point out my sense of mysteriousness this is a reminder to you.

This is a reminder that when times get hard. even if I dont speak to you anymore I'm thinking of you. No! I am not saying that to start the motion to world peace but I am saying it from my heart. I am the kind of friends that years from now when life brings you things beyond what we imagined that will secretly have left something in your life. Maybe it was a phrase from a song, or a dance move we created. Prehaps even it was the iron shoulder or the rescue device that pulled you out of despair. I am lucky and honored to have people in my life. Even if I know I don't utilize my support all that often I know that I have countless people who care and who will always be there to laugh with, cry to, and even maybe go a few rounds in the ring.

While I will continue to make new friends the old will continue to always shine through. Like my Best friend once told me along with a quote that spoke to me and I used in my first novel : A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.

So, Keep singing...because its these songs that yeild beautiful results. For we merely aren't just a productive of DNA. We are shaped by the people we chose to surround ourself with. People who challenge us and make us defend ourselves.

So when the road of life seems full of potholes. Remember, you always have people to change your tires.

God Bless and be thankful for the people in which the Lord sents in your life. You never know if they are in it for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. So whatever, catagory God put you in for me. Remember that I cherish even the smallest second.

Love and Blessings,

Rowdy Rodeo Girl

wading and wondering

 I feel like this summer I have just tred water. I feel like I take steps forward and then go floating backwards. Yesterday, I talked to one of my references who seemed to have rave reviews about me. It made me feel like Physical therapy is my thing. However, I also went to talk to another store leader in my district about taking over a temporary full time key position and I was nervous and wondering if I could do the job. My Boss has complete faith in me. I think it would be fun but I also know there is a lot of responsibility. I mean I am a mature individual and I do learn well but I am not sure that I am ready to lead a business.

I am 22 and feel like I am so far behind in life. Other friends are in school, while others are waiting to head to the alter and then I have friends with Kids. I am not ready for those kind of committments but I feel like I am just wondering. I feel like my novel character Skyler...well hell I guess its time to admit to myself that Skyler is me. However, Skyler is already a Physical therapist and she is in love with a man, and she is drop dead hella goregous. To say the least I am envious of my fictional self.

I feel so lost. I feel like I'm losing a close knit support system I used to have. I feel like im worthless. I know that isnt true at all but I feel like that. I'm tired of looking in the mirror and yelling at myself because I couldnt accomplish things the first time around. I'm tired of driving myself into the ground because I am not satisfied. It is true you are your own worst critic and I am worse than Simon Cowell and Peirs Morgan combined on myself.

I dont look at my past as a pile of mistakes I look at my past as this prologue to a story not written yet, but as I continue to live I feel like the prologue keeps getting larger and larger. Prehaps, I've missed the story completely. Hell at this point I do not know.

What I do know is I wish I could finish my sequel? I am tired of people asking about it? Which is odd because some days I am dying for people to read the first book. Who am I kidding?

Behind the smile is a girl screaming to get out. Screaming to have her heart tamed but to scared to let it. Behind the smile is a girl who tries to be so tough but yet she is weaker than shit.

I'm tired of watching good people get screwed over. I am tired of wondering when it will be my time. I am so sick of waiting.

My impatience is the reason my best friend isnt here today. Its the reason I lost my first boyfriend. It's the root of a tad bit of evil.

For once I just want to be the rescuee instead of the rescuer. For once I want to be reminded that I am still doing the right thing by chasing my dreams. For once I just want to be told by word of mouth instead of facebook that someone is Proud of me.

I'm tired of trying to be perfect because its killing me inside. This summer has sucked...I just want to quit wading and wondering. I just want my life to turn around for the better. I want to wake up to life that is better then my dreams. I want to be able to quit battling the eye of the hurricane and be able to dance in the summer storm.

Lord Please Save me From Myself...I am my Own Worst Enemy. Save me from my self persecution.

Why must we complicate things?

Why must we complicate life and love? Why must we hold ourselves back from the things we vision for ourself when really life is about living? Why must we not reach for the adventure and settle for the same routine?

Life is short and in that short time we should love unconditionally. Laugh at the small things. Find the finest things within ourselves. Dance to the music and even create our own beat.  To smile when we want to frown. To cry when the tears should fall.

In the game of life its not about sitting back its about taking the drivers seat and making things happen.

I know I am one to complicate things. To listen to my head more than my heart. To question my gut when it's right. To wonder if what I am doing is wrong.

So...dance in the rain. Find peace in the eye of every storm.

Let's uncomplicate the things that matter so that we ourselves can live Free, Happy, and Unstoppable.

I AM NOT GONNA FEEL BAD

So time changes everything...a true statement. 2 and a half years ago I thought you were charming. I thought that for once I may had found something that was missing in my life. 2 and a half years ago I lost my best friend and had to go home to say goodbye to my right hand gal and you fell in love with someone else. I don't blame you.
   Feburary she broke your heart and I let you needing me get to me. As the last couple of weeks before I graduated drew near I let you in and you spinned me these web of lies. I dont regret any of it because I am not one to regret things in my life.
    I was honest with you. You were smothering me. You were almost telling me that wanting to lose weight for myself was wrong? I am sorry you waited to hear if I was moving away or staying to start somethin with me. I am sorry I suppose that I honestly told you that I couldnt see myself with you. I however guess honesty is not the best policy in all cases.

Listen here...if you truly loved me before you would have fought the infatuation. You would have waited. You would have done x number of other things.

SO NO I DO NOT FEEL BAD! I AM NOT THE BAD PERSON HERE! I AM LOOKING OUT FOR MY DREAMS AND IF THAT PISSES YOU OFF I AM SORRY! So I WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR FRIEND BUT WE WOULD HAVE NEVER CUT IT AS LOVERS AND FOR THAT I DO NOT FEEL BAD.

For a reason

Things happen for a reason...something I have heard a lot about in my life. I guess being the curious person I am I have always questioned or wondered about the reasons for things but sometimes...the answers lead to a dead end path.

So I am 22 a recent college graduate and still living with my folks. While I love my parents I feel like a huge burden on them. Although, I dont know there answer all the time I am sure burden is not a word my mom would use.

However, in my 22 years a lot of things have happened. I've discovered the reasons for some of them and still question others.

I mean at 6 years old I was diagnosised with a lazy eye and had to wear a pirate patch. While I wasnt the cutest kid in the bunch I realized that it took my visual impairments to do other things. No my hand eye coordination didnt improve when I put glasses on but a lot of other things did. I could read without having my nose in the binding of the book. I could sit at the back of the classroom and still learn. I often think God gave me glasses because how else would I disguise my dorkiness.

At 6 years old my parents got a divorce and I went to live with my grandmother. Today, Ive let go of being hurt about it and am proud. For it was the first time in my life I had to learn to be independant outside my mom. living in the middle of no where with only one friend I learned to use my imagination. It also made me fall in love with fields and gravel roads.

at 13 I suppose the shocking blow of finding out that the guy whose last name I have is not my real father took center stage. it then made me wonder who in the hell created the other half of me. That mixed with ackward teenage things seemed to take over my world. I guess what I learned the most from this was that there is always gonna be those moments that your searchin for the answers...the key is to just keep searchin.

At 14 I found the Lord again through the PBR. Mike Lee and Wiley petersen were my instant favorites and years of avid fanhood has given me a few more cool cowboys to credit. One is Mckennon Wimberly. Just saying his name around my friends and family can sometimes get eye rolls but most of the time a smile emerges. I have to say that I love building friendships with the professional cowboys but none of my friendships are as strong as his. Mckennon probably is tired of hearing this but after I lost my best friend at 19 I turned to his strength and fighting spirit. I had to learn what it took from him. He is a great teacher if y'all wondered.

As time flies by I sit here 22 years old. the beginning of this year I was frusterated with not getting into Physical therapy school. I was upset about going 2 and a half years without my best friend. That was when Mckennon got into his wreck. I have to admit I went crazy. I wanted to do all I could for him and his family and although I knew I couldnt do much I did what was so easy to do....I just prayed. As I prayed to God I saw this beautiful friendship grow between me and his mom Paula. I swear it feels like Ive known Paula my whole life. I feel like I played with Mckennon when I was younger and Paula was the mom who always had the goodies at her house. I know thats funny for me to write because well I didnt know Mckennon when I was younger and I still havent met the beautiful Paula but just her messages and simple hellos have always put a smile on my face.

I dont know why I lost my best friend at 19 and I wont know until the day the Lord calls me home. However, I realized that he didnt leave me here stranded like I thought. He gave me the best teachers: The Wimberly's to remind me that I could do it. To that I thank them tremendously.

I also when I was little didnt understand why God gave me the mother I had. I also felt like I was inadequate compared to my sisters. For some reason like I didnt belong. As years go by I've come out of my stupidity and realize that God had to give me a strong women for a mother. Otherwise, without her I would have failed beyond belief. I know I don't say it enough but I am proud of my mom. Even if she frusterates me from time to time trying to worry about my sisters problems I know that she loves us and that even though she holds me to a higher standard doesnt mean she isnt proud.

I have made numerous friends and to you all I thank. For its you guys who keep me laughing, who remind me to smile, and who put up with me. I thank the Lord for giving me people who are always willing and ready to take my hand.

I may not know the reasons behind a lot of things but I know for sure there is a Reason in me waiting a year for PT school. there is a reason in me having to chase my dreams without my best friend in toe. There is a reason that God gave me a wild heart and lastly there was a reason you needed or wanted to read it. If it didnt satisfy your reason...maybe there is a lesson mixed in it after all.

God Bless,

Stevie Phillips

emotional suicide

  I'm not the smartest girl you'll meet. I'm not the prettiest or the most athletic. Hell, I don't really know what people would call me other than sweet. Its nights like this that I don't physically pull a knife on myself but emotionally do so. It's nights like this that my brain overrides any sanity of my heart and displays to me how worthless I am.

I have never been able to keep a bedroom clean for over a week, I havent had a boyfriend since my mid-teens. I'm never anyones first choice I'm always the simple regret. I was never good enough to get picked first in gym class or to take top honors in anything.

The one thing I am good at writing...hardly anyone reads and if they do they praise me but my own family hasnt even touched my first book. I wrote that book yes to try and heal from the loss of my best friend but to also expose people to the modern wild west. To the handsome, dangerous, and devilish boys who dawn cowboy hats and spurs. It hurts me so bad to think that I have to do things all wrong to get my parents attention.

My sisters are the queens and fight for the attention they get but I sit quietly hoping I will hear a sincere I love you or How's the writing going. Instead I get scolded to play nice, to quit thinkin about my favorite sport twnety-four seven, and to constantly change.

Ive always been the heavist in my family. I dont know why but I have. This summer I decided I was gonna change. I was gonna get healthy for me. I was finally going to become the girl I wanted to see in the mirror not dread to see. The whole time my family is just obessed with the numbers not the results. I mean I havent lost alot yet but I havent been a size 16 since before high school. I see that as triumph enough.

Then it doesnt help that I surround myself with gorgeous girls as friends. I swear half the girls never need an ounce of make up and they look flawless. While I am white and battle acne constantly. Why is it that I can never go out looking decent?

Now nights like this I emotionally slay myself to pieces. Telling myself why arent you good enough? When will you be? Why in the hell could you not do this or that the first time? Why in the hell cant you do that?

I'm so tired of emotionally killing myself. I am so tired of only getting small ounces of happiness and then it being ripped away...Gah...I am so tired of having to dream things to be better. When nights like this remind me those dreams arent gonna happen. I dont know I am probably just being a baby, just wanting something to whine about so I'll quit and suffer in silence like I always do because even if I cry no one hears so whats the point in getting their attention.

Mixing Business with Bull S***

As a fan I often try to stay out of the business side of the game. For I know I am not educated enough in business to understand things. However, it seems to me that the PBR is goin' in the wrong direction.

I have been a fan since I was 14 years old. Yes I joined in the era of the Chris Shivers Vs. Justin Mcbride. Yes, as Ive watched videos from the past I realize that I missed out on great things but at 22 I see a big issues arising in the PBR.

Yes, I know with new administration things change. They kick the old ideaology to the curb and want to tred in the water they see fit. However, Randy made big strides in gettin television coverage for the sport...but the cowboy way! Think back to the Mexico Event in 2007 many where hoping it would blow up in Randy face but it didnt.

I am sorry, I am in this sport for the cowboys and bulls. It what drew me to the sport in the first place. It was that weird facination with man taming beast that hooked me some 8 years ago. I use to proclaim the PBR everywhere I went. Now, I single the guys out and call them pro riders.

  I dont personally know sean and the rest of the heads but I do personally know the cowboys. I just wanna know what happened to the original 20 cowboys dreams? To make bull riding this stand a lone sport enjoyed by millions. Yes, the PBR has some of the rankest bulls and in my opipion the best of the best of riders from all over the world. However, why did we have to feed Chad Ochocinco's ego. I was real devastatate when my PBR MAG HAD HIM PLASTERED IN IT! Where was the brillant article about recovering cowboys that was on the website or the discovery type article that came with the history of Dr. Tandy Freeman? I do not follow mr. ochocinco on twitter anymore for the shear fact that I have taste. I am not gonna argue all athletes are good at what they do but personally this sport appeals to all ages. My niece and Nephew are 4 &5. Grant it their exposure to the sport has come from their friendship with Mckennon Wimberly but my nephew is so cute and says he wants to ride in the PBR. Well I do not want him their if the sport isnt gonna care about the guys who make up the other half of the equation in this dangerous game.

I am not pointing fingers to anyone but when I first joined Twitter and first got called a tweetheart it was because of Shannon and Dave. I then went and watched all of Daves video and even cried when he made a fan video and one of my weakest moments as a fan was perfectly displayed. So, What happened to this being a sport for US! We pay for your big fancy office, We pay to outrageous charges on top of seat prices. What happened to the company I use to want to work for? What happened to the intriguity. Can someone tell me that?

I will always be a fan of this sport and mainly its because I feel that the riders and the stock contractors should be able to freely showcase what they love. Plus, I am sorry but I love wrangler jeans and the cute big bull eyes that I see on TV. Contracts are lists of lies, and dedication can not be seen in the office. So maybe I am over-stepping something but by God I WILL NOT LET MY SPORT BECOME TRASH. SO, if I as a fan have to find a replacement COO I WILL. Hell, I know plenty of fans who may be business savvy but will run the business like it was first put together with passion and integrity.

Thank you and God Bless but PLEASE REMEMBER THIS IS A SPORT OF COWBOYS NOT DOUCHEBAGS

Fourth of July

 Everytime this day comes around I cant help but be so gracious of my freedoms. I also cant help but love that within my freedom comes the right to write. I know sometimes I feel like my writing has no substance...no volume but then I look underneath. Behind the words are so undefined voice. It reminds me that each of us has a voice.
Each of our voices is what combined to create and make this country something to be celebrated.
Our founding fathers looked into the enemies eyes and declared that monarchy was not were this lands best interst lies.

I may have never been a huge political buff or found only big events in history facisnating but I am proud to have grown up here. Proud to have taken what Ive learned here to a foreign country so many years ago.

Put today...I will celebrate my country the only way I know how! With a smile and gratitiude!!

Tomorrow

Tomorrow I weigh in at the docs after the first two weeks of my lifestyle change. In the 2 weeks I have found a love affair with Pineapple and Zumba! My mom says she can tell I have lost weight. I am not sure I can see any difference but what I do know is that I feel a lot better.

I am taking this time to remind myself of who I am. Renergize my confidence meter and most of all  become the person I WANT TO BE.

My motivation: Gosh lordy gee part of it is the boy. I love the boy. I know its love because my heart freakin smiles before my mouth does. However, I know I am probably not his type and I do not want to ruin his current relationship. however, his momma and I are getting close and I love it! I never imagined this when I was eighteen that I would be this close with him and his family.

I am gonna be the girl I want and get my cowboy and I guess if thats so wrong...so be it! The race is on. This girl aint gonna be tamed!!

Weight Loss Journey

So as of yesterday I told myself enough is enough!

I've been overweight it seems for as long as I remember! My parents chart its start back to puberty but in my mind I've always been a little heavier then the rest of my family! My weight is my hidden insecruity. I mean I work at a retail store that promotes Big is beautiful! Do not get me wrong I believe a lot of women that are bigger are indeed extermely beautiful. However, when I look at myself...I know the weight has to go.
 That may sound very hypocritical and I may be falling in the trends of what the media feeds as beautiful but when you see a complety different person inside while you stand at the mirror in the mornin' well you'll understand!

So today at 8:30 we went on a walk! I must admit towards the end I was wishin' I could just quit but I didn't. However, I need to invest in a good pair of tennis shoes.

I hope monday my thyroid results come in negative so I can just keep movin' forward like all things in life!

Gonna knock off the lbs and keep em off!

When it's too late

Why do the things you want always come to you after the want? Why does searchin' for your keys because you want to go somewhere take forever but when you want a nice quiet night in they are right in front of your eyes. I am not talkin' about physical objects alone. Why does love and acceptance comes when you least expect it?

I have 9 days left of school. The guy I wanted to hook up with as a sophomore now wants to revolve his world around me. The friends who said they were going to be forever have suddenly disappeared.

When is the moment right or when is it too late? When should we move slow and when should we speed by? At what moment should we take a step back and reevaluate and at which moment should we just dive in.

Ultimately I feel like time shouldn't be our constraint. If we as people let time bind us then we will not live. Let every moment be precise let the hands not pass you by. If you feel it's too late let it go, if its not dive in!

SO DO NOT EVER LET A MOMENT BE TOO LATE!

Heart ache

No, this isn't the typical heart ache. It's not one that will be accompanied by steel guitar and whining fiddle. This is the heartbreak that comes with fear, with wonder, and with questions.

I want him to be the one. I want her to see me happy. I want life with him to be my reality instead of my fantasy.

However, now he is hurt. He is laying in a  hospital bed miles away and I can't do anything. I can't help him or his mom and friends. I am helpless for him. I cant make him smile or even laugh.

I have slept a total of 3 hours anticipating updates about his jaw surgery. I don't know what it is but I love him. I care so much that my heart automatically puts it into overdrive and pulls into the love station. Though, he has a girl. She is everything he could want. Smart, Beautiful, stock contractor. I cannot compete with her.

So this is the heart ache that accompanies a dream. A dream shattered because there is no way God wants us together. if he does then maybe its patience that im lacking. Though this man is goregeous beyond belief and yes I just called a man goregeous. How would we fit together. All I know is I cant stop thinkin about him. My mind constantly thinks of him. So here is too another restless night. Another hope for a dream come true!

wonder

So the generic title may get some of you reading or may turn the rest of you away. Do you often wonder what is God's purpose for an individual he puts in your life.

Well I know for sure God put my best friend Linsey into my life to give me confidence and to continue to be a dreamer. As she has passed however I often wonder what reasons people are in my life for.

My mom I have narrowed done because God knew no other women could handle me. God knew that I needed a strong women in my life to lead me.

My friends all have a lot of the same reasons, some for entertainment and others are those great ears that forever love to listen when I need them too.

Then there is my favorite bull riders mom. Now, you may be laughing at this point. Most of you would be like God gave you her to tell you funny stories of him and to see how passionate you are about his sport. However, I am still not sure if that is the case. Last night he got hurt. This doesn't surprise me since this sport there is always an injury.  Posting my status to facebook I figured would just get looked over by many of my friends but this status and maybe because it was her son prompted her to message me about how he was doing.

I wanted so bad to tell her he would be okay. I wanted to know what was wrong so I could calm a mother's nerves. I wanted to be able to hold her hand in that moment. At that moment and going through today constantly praying for him I realized that like many other things in my life, this sport has brought me a family.

now grant it, its a loose family with many people scattered all across the globe that enjoys watching and cares for these guys if not the same but as much as I do. These guys bring hope. They show strength and they defy it all to do what they love...Ride bulls!

Now, I feel like one lucky girl to get to encounter 45 of the most elite bull riders every year. I am so lucky to make their acquantance once or twice in a 12 month calander year. These guys make me see that my dreams are conquerable! They make me want to strive to be a better person. They make me want excitement out of life.

Its this family that I know why God gave them to me. He gave them to me to share with the world, to tell people about the exciting yet dangerous sport of bull riding.

However, I still wonder what is in store with the future. I know I never told you but my dream job would be to work for the PBR. My dream job is to be there for the riders when things like this happen. I only hope I continue to persue my dreams and continue to be open with my hearts desire!

Out of the chute and off to wonder some more,

Please keep praying for my favorite bull rider he is in need of it!

A writer: What it means?

For many years I didn't want to define myself as a writer. For writers where people who wanted the world to read what they wrote. It took me years to even be able to scare pieces of my works with individuals through other means than just cyber space.
Writing a sequel to my first novel, I find it real ironic that after taking a course in creative non-fiction that my writing would have had a tremendous change on my life.
I started this blog hoping to find something that was missing. Trying to get past the loss of my best friend. Hoping that those elusive dreams that have been waved in front of me would be gone.
 Those were fantasies, intertwined in the reality of it all. Though, as the excitement of a grand day comes to the end I realize that I feed off some want. Some dream to make my fantasy reality.
   One such fantasy is that of me and a professional bull rider. He drives me wild. He makes me nuts, he makes me feel special and he doesnt even mean too. I read into things maybe a little deeper than some would say, but there is also the question of his momma.
   Talking to them makes me feel that the years of heart ache that has been sprinkled into my life.

Though what it means to be a writer is being okay with opening up the heart ache. To analyze its repercussions on the enviroment. It means to take moments that seem unreal and make them reality.
Although every great writer must find their muse. I guess I found mine in the darkness which will one day through my writing produce rays of light. Light for myself to guide my winding path by, and light for my readers to chose a different road.