emotional suicide

  I'm not the smartest girl you'll meet. I'm not the prettiest or the most athletic. Hell, I don't really know what people would call me other than sweet. Its nights like this that I don't physically pull a knife on myself but emotionally do so. It's nights like this that my brain overrides any sanity of my heart and displays to me how worthless I am.

I have never been able to keep a bedroom clean for over a week, I havent had a boyfriend since my mid-teens. I'm never anyones first choice I'm always the simple regret. I was never good enough to get picked first in gym class or to take top honors in anything.

The one thing I am good at writing...hardly anyone reads and if they do they praise me but my own family hasnt even touched my first book. I wrote that book yes to try and heal from the loss of my best friend but to also expose people to the modern wild west. To the handsome, dangerous, and devilish boys who dawn cowboy hats and spurs. It hurts me so bad to think that I have to do things all wrong to get my parents attention.

My sisters are the queens and fight for the attention they get but I sit quietly hoping I will hear a sincere I love you or How's the writing going. Instead I get scolded to play nice, to quit thinkin about my favorite sport twnety-four seven, and to constantly change.

Ive always been the heavist in my family. I dont know why but I have. This summer I decided I was gonna change. I was gonna get healthy for me. I was finally going to become the girl I wanted to see in the mirror not dread to see. The whole time my family is just obessed with the numbers not the results. I mean I havent lost alot yet but I havent been a size 16 since before high school. I see that as triumph enough.

Then it doesnt help that I surround myself with gorgeous girls as friends. I swear half the girls never need an ounce of make up and they look flawless. While I am white and battle acne constantly. Why is it that I can never go out looking decent?

Now nights like this I emotionally slay myself to pieces. Telling myself why arent you good enough? When will you be? Why in the hell could you not do this or that the first time? Why in the hell cant you do that?

I'm so tired of emotionally killing myself. I am so tired of only getting small ounces of happiness and then it being ripped away...Gah...I am so tired of having to dream things to be better. When nights like this remind me those dreams arent gonna happen. I dont know I am probably just being a baby, just wanting something to whine about so I'll quit and suffer in silence like I always do because even if I cry no one hears so whats the point in getting their attention.