Its been almost three years since my best friend left this world. Three years that I am amazed I survived. However, I know I have a huge support staff and somewhere deep inside this chamber of greatness. I'm not sure where it is located. I often think its in my heart but it could also be in my stubborn mind.
Three years ago I screamed that it was unfair. So unfair I thought I would go insane. While yes...at 20 years old no one should lose someone so close as a best friend. The person who can repeat your stories, who suggests the cutest hair cuts, and reminds you that he looks so good in wranglers.
However, as this summer has rolled on I have found out that my running shoes wont carry me away from my worries but they can help drift me away for a few blocks. My tennis shoes are customized to my Alma Mater. A school that has seen its fair share of devestations. From the loss of a head football coach to natural weather disasters its a school of people who never give up. And its not even Division 1.
In those four years just like these last three I have seen tremendous growth. I have come out of wanting to hide my writing. I have found this love for it well beyond words. In the past three years I have realized that some people need you more than you need them. I found out that your hero can become one of your friends.
If Linsey Kay Nelson was here I know she would be smiling. She was always smiling. She would be proud of the weight I've lost. Planning what our future apartment would look like in Texas and probably still be singing along to The Wreckers. If she was here I know the tears I shed would be few but it's no longer such an unfair thing.
For the twelve years I got with her. Trump a lot. I got to teach her about bull riding. She taught me thats life's a dance (believe me I am truly dancing now). She reminded me how important family is and that being different is being extraordinarily you.
Sept 12th, 2011 marks three years. Three years of butterfly gazing, self doubting, and heartache. However, this year I won't be crying about the facts that I won't ever go to her wedding or see her and a certain cowboy have babies. I will rejoice at the fact that I got to see her glowing smile for 12 years. I will be rejoicing with teddy grahams and root beer. I might even have a mike's for her.
I can't be mad anymore...Like Eli Young Band says...Life at best is a struggle because it makes other moments so much more beautiful.
I have met some of the greatest people in this life. Some of them have definitely changed me. So here is to happiness. To becoming the women God meant for me to be. For taking the high road. THIS IS FOR A GIRL WHO ALWAYS KNEW I WAS DESTINED FOR GREATNESS! I WONT LET YOU DOWN. I PROMISE GOD AND YOU THAT I WILL DO GREAT THINGS!
God Bless
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
There comes a time when....
There comes a time when whatever guilt you held on to over the years needs to be let go.
There comes a time when even though you feel a strong power of unjustice on your own shoulders. You have to rise above it.
There comes a time when you just cry even if you don't know the cause.
There comes a time when you tell yourself that you are worth it.
There comes a time when you give your whole heart away and hope your gonna get it back.
There comes a time when the little things matter the most always.
There comes a time when the ones around you realize that your dreams aren't just passionate wants, they are your life.
There comes a time when you stand up instead of silently sitting down.
There comes a time when you know exactly what people are going through even if you have never met them.
There comes a time when you gotta stand firm even when the ground seems to be crumbling.
There comes a time when you accept your life design...not all of us can be movie stars and hella great athletes.
There comes a time when you only hope those you care for turn their life around.
There comes a time when feeling so small disappears.
There comes a time when Yes is the answer.
There comes a time when Fantasy becomes the new reality.
There comes a time when you look into the mirror and say "DAMN, I AM LOOKING GOOD"
There comes a time when your friends become a piece of you that you now cant live without.
There comes a time when a person must give in to their talents. Hiding them is a shame.
There comes a time when the shy ones find their voice.
There comes a time when your heros become your best friends.
There comes a time when living is the only option.
There comes a time when you are gonna need a hand to hold.
There comes a time when you look back you smile at the good times, the bad ones, and the unbelievable ones.
There comes a time when We ALL FINALLY WIN AT SOMETHING.
There comes a time when our lives have been fully lived.
There comes a time when even though you feel a strong power of unjustice on your own shoulders. You have to rise above it.
There comes a time when you just cry even if you don't know the cause.
There comes a time when you tell yourself that you are worth it.
There comes a time when you give your whole heart away and hope your gonna get it back.
There comes a time when the little things matter the most always.
There comes a time when the ones around you realize that your dreams aren't just passionate wants, they are your life.
There comes a time when you stand up instead of silently sitting down.
There comes a time when you know exactly what people are going through even if you have never met them.
There comes a time when you gotta stand firm even when the ground seems to be crumbling.
There comes a time when you accept your life design...not all of us can be movie stars and hella great athletes.
There comes a time when you only hope those you care for turn their life around.
There comes a time when feeling so small disappears.
There comes a time when Yes is the answer.
There comes a time when Fantasy becomes the new reality.
There comes a time when you look into the mirror and say "DAMN, I AM LOOKING GOOD"
There comes a time when your friends become a piece of you that you now cant live without.
There comes a time when a person must give in to their talents. Hiding them is a shame.
There comes a time when the shy ones find their voice.
There comes a time when your heros become your best friends.
There comes a time when living is the only option.
There comes a time when you are gonna need a hand to hold.
There comes a time when you look back you smile at the good times, the bad ones, and the unbelievable ones.
There comes a time when We ALL FINALLY WIN AT SOMETHING.
There comes a time when our lives have been fully lived.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Turning Point
I am sure in life we all have those moments when we question our intellectual capability of decision making. One thing my turning point i guess forgot about was the need to take care of myself. So this summer I have made myself a priority and have lost 7 pant sizes and while I am not done yet...tonight affirmed to me that I am doing better.
While in high school I was almost diagnosed with high blood pressure. Ever since then I tried to self monitor and I would always be a little hypertensive. Well tonight when we were out I tested and for the first time both my numbers were below normal and my heart beats per minute were not crazy erratic either. So needless to say I feel really good. I mean I do not look into the mirror and see the person I want to see yet but I am still going to work towards the goal. Keep my eye on the prize so to speak.
However, there is another thing going on in my life that doesn't seem to be turning around. My love life. While, I am not trying to be overly concerned or traumatic. Sometimes my sisters have bad judgement and love is not a strong suit I suppose in my family. Backround knowledge I come from a divorced family. My mom remarried and my step dad is AMAZING! I love both my parents and they have done a lot for me and my two sisters. While, my older sister has three adoreable kids but unfortunatly only has custody of two of them. So, I ask myself when will she turn her life around for them two. Tonight, we went and picked up my niece stuff to get ready for her first day of school. I can't believe she is even old enough to go to school. Although, I am now straying off topic. Sorry for those tad bits of randomness. Anyways, I wonder why my sister cannot put her foolishness or her ideals away for the two most wonderful kids in the world. I am not saying that because they are related to me or anything but truly they bring smiles to my faces.
I have a younger sister and following dangerously in my older sisters footsteps. She has a daughter and I love her to death. We have dance parties constantly which I do not mind at all. Our love for music is real deep. Now, her problem is needing a turning point on her weight also and her future. She just graduated high school which is a huge accomplishment but its time to better yourself for your daughter.
I guess I have no real room to speak. I am not a mom and I am rather selfish as my family points out at times. I suppose the selfishness comes because I know I am capable of achieveing things greater than my thoughts or dreams. So I push myself to figure out what exactly my purpose is I suppose is the words I am looking for.
I didn't write this blog to degraded my sisters. I love them for who they are and love the little people they have brought into it. I wrote this blog I suppose to tell you its never to late to step back and reevaluate. Sometimes we all need to look at things from a fresh perspective.
For life is merely like a game of cards. It takes skill and strategy to learn to play. Though in this game there is only one shot and sometimes we have to lay the cards down and tell ourselves....this is only one turning point of many on the S curve commonly called life.
Blessings and Well Wishes
May you find the happiness you seek and the Love thats everlasting
While in high school I was almost diagnosed with high blood pressure. Ever since then I tried to self monitor and I would always be a little hypertensive. Well tonight when we were out I tested and for the first time both my numbers were below normal and my heart beats per minute were not crazy erratic either. So needless to say I feel really good. I mean I do not look into the mirror and see the person I want to see yet but I am still going to work towards the goal. Keep my eye on the prize so to speak.
However, there is another thing going on in my life that doesn't seem to be turning around. My love life. While, I am not trying to be overly concerned or traumatic. Sometimes my sisters have bad judgement and love is not a strong suit I suppose in my family. Backround knowledge I come from a divorced family. My mom remarried and my step dad is AMAZING! I love both my parents and they have done a lot for me and my two sisters. While, my older sister has three adoreable kids but unfortunatly only has custody of two of them. So, I ask myself when will she turn her life around for them two. Tonight, we went and picked up my niece stuff to get ready for her first day of school. I can't believe she is even old enough to go to school. Although, I am now straying off topic. Sorry for those tad bits of randomness. Anyways, I wonder why my sister cannot put her foolishness or her ideals away for the two most wonderful kids in the world. I am not saying that because they are related to me or anything but truly they bring smiles to my faces.
I have a younger sister and following dangerously in my older sisters footsteps. She has a daughter and I love her to death. We have dance parties constantly which I do not mind at all. Our love for music is real deep. Now, her problem is needing a turning point on her weight also and her future. She just graduated high school which is a huge accomplishment but its time to better yourself for your daughter.
I guess I have no real room to speak. I am not a mom and I am rather selfish as my family points out at times. I suppose the selfishness comes because I know I am capable of achieveing things greater than my thoughts or dreams. So I push myself to figure out what exactly my purpose is I suppose is the words I am looking for.
I didn't write this blog to degraded my sisters. I love them for who they are and love the little people they have brought into it. I wrote this blog I suppose to tell you its never to late to step back and reevaluate. Sometimes we all need to look at things from a fresh perspective.
For life is merely like a game of cards. It takes skill and strategy to learn to play. Though in this game there is only one shot and sometimes we have to lay the cards down and tell ourselves....this is only one turning point of many on the S curve commonly called life.
Blessings and Well Wishes
May you find the happiness you seek and the Love thats everlasting
Sunday, August 14, 2011
when life gives you rough times...Friends will get you through
Somedays I know I am not the only one who feels alone but than I remember all the awesome people I have met along my way. Yesterday, I witnessed two friends coming together and becoming one. It was a beautiful and great time. I am so proud of the Johnston's- John and Cassy because I know they can do whatever they set their mind to.
I then got reminded of all the great friendship I made while in college. Naming them all would take this entire blog so I will stick to the simple THANK YOU! I suppose it is people like you who remind me that I am greater than I envision. However, on the way to the wedding and home I couldn't help but see a plethora of butterflies. I couldn't help but laugh, smile, and even cry a little. Maybe its because this weekend I was reminded that with one person happiness comes another ones sorrow. My parents had to go to the funeral of a wonderful man today who told me all the best places to go when I finally find my way to Texas. It is that irony that sometimes shows it way into my life. Playing out its own harmonics and tunes. Though, it sparked me to get really nerdy on my drive home and wonder what the Ethmology of the word Friend came from. Etymology for those who dont know is the study of words and its origins. Friend is a word that came into play in the late 14 century english as I have discovered and according to dictionary.com the word has 5 definitions and can sometimes be rarely used as a verb which yeilds two more.
However, I am not out to bore you. I suppose this is me giving out a big electronical thank you to the people who have held my hand, listen to me rant, or even wanted to ring my neck for my stupidity. This is for those still in my life and the friends of the past who have sprinkled a little more essence into my life. To the people who remind me constantly that I am not always right or point out my sense of mysteriousness this is a reminder to you.
This is a reminder that when times get hard. even if I dont speak to you anymore I'm thinking of you. No! I am not saying that to start the motion to world peace but I am saying it from my heart. I am the kind of friends that years from now when life brings you things beyond what we imagined that will secretly have left something in your life. Maybe it was a phrase from a song, or a dance move we created. Prehaps even it was the iron shoulder or the rescue device that pulled you out of despair. I am lucky and honored to have people in my life. Even if I know I don't utilize my support all that often I know that I have countless people who care and who will always be there to laugh with, cry to, and even maybe go a few rounds in the ring.
While I will continue to make new friends the old will continue to always shine through. Like my Best friend once told me along with a quote that spoke to me and I used in my first novel : A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.
So, Keep singing...because its these songs that yeild beautiful results. For we merely aren't just a productive of DNA. We are shaped by the people we chose to surround ourself with. People who challenge us and make us defend ourselves.
So when the road of life seems full of potholes. Remember, you always have people to change your tires.
God Bless and be thankful for the people in which the Lord sents in your life. You never know if they are in it for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. So whatever, catagory God put you in for me. Remember that I cherish even the smallest second.
Love and Blessings,
Rowdy Rodeo Girl
I then got reminded of all the great friendship I made while in college. Naming them all would take this entire blog so I will stick to the simple THANK YOU! I suppose it is people like you who remind me that I am greater than I envision. However, on the way to the wedding and home I couldn't help but see a plethora of butterflies. I couldn't help but laugh, smile, and even cry a little. Maybe its because this weekend I was reminded that with one person happiness comes another ones sorrow. My parents had to go to the funeral of a wonderful man today who told me all the best places to go when I finally find my way to Texas. It is that irony that sometimes shows it way into my life. Playing out its own harmonics and tunes. Though, it sparked me to get really nerdy on my drive home and wonder what the Ethmology of the word Friend came from. Etymology for those who dont know is the study of words and its origins. Friend is a word that came into play in the late 14 century english as I have discovered and according to dictionary.com the word has 5 definitions and can sometimes be rarely used as a verb which yeilds two more.
However, I am not out to bore you. I suppose this is me giving out a big electronical thank you to the people who have held my hand, listen to me rant, or even wanted to ring my neck for my stupidity. This is for those still in my life and the friends of the past who have sprinkled a little more essence into my life. To the people who remind me constantly that I am not always right or point out my sense of mysteriousness this is a reminder to you.
This is a reminder that when times get hard. even if I dont speak to you anymore I'm thinking of you. No! I am not saying that to start the motion to world peace but I am saying it from my heart. I am the kind of friends that years from now when life brings you things beyond what we imagined that will secretly have left something in your life. Maybe it was a phrase from a song, or a dance move we created. Prehaps even it was the iron shoulder or the rescue device that pulled you out of despair. I am lucky and honored to have people in my life. Even if I know I don't utilize my support all that often I know that I have countless people who care and who will always be there to laugh with, cry to, and even maybe go a few rounds in the ring.
While I will continue to make new friends the old will continue to always shine through. Like my Best friend once told me along with a quote that spoke to me and I used in my first novel : A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.
So, Keep singing...because its these songs that yeild beautiful results. For we merely aren't just a productive of DNA. We are shaped by the people we chose to surround ourself with. People who challenge us and make us defend ourselves.
So when the road of life seems full of potholes. Remember, you always have people to change your tires.
God Bless and be thankful for the people in which the Lord sents in your life. You never know if they are in it for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. So whatever, catagory God put you in for me. Remember that I cherish even the smallest second.
Love and Blessings,
Rowdy Rodeo Girl
Friday, August 12, 2011
wading and wondering
I feel like this summer I have just tred water. I feel like I take steps forward and then go floating backwards. Yesterday, I talked to one of my references who seemed to have rave reviews about me. It made me feel like Physical therapy is my thing. However, I also went to talk to another store leader in my district about taking over a temporary full time key position and I was nervous and wondering if I could do the job. My Boss has complete faith in me. I think it would be fun but I also know there is a lot of responsibility. I mean I am a mature individual and I do learn well but I am not sure that I am ready to lead a business.
I am 22 and feel like I am so far behind in life. Other friends are in school, while others are waiting to head to the alter and then I have friends with Kids. I am not ready for those kind of committments but I feel like I am just wondering. I feel like my novel character Skyler...well hell I guess its time to admit to myself that Skyler is me. However, Skyler is already a Physical therapist and she is in love with a man, and she is drop dead hella goregous. To say the least I am envious of my fictional self.
I feel so lost. I feel like I'm losing a close knit support system I used to have. I feel like im worthless. I know that isnt true at all but I feel like that. I'm tired of looking in the mirror and yelling at myself because I couldnt accomplish things the first time around. I'm tired of driving myself into the ground because I am not satisfied. It is true you are your own worst critic and I am worse than Simon Cowell and Peirs Morgan combined on myself.
I dont look at my past as a pile of mistakes I look at my past as this prologue to a story not written yet, but as I continue to live I feel like the prologue keeps getting larger and larger. Prehaps, I've missed the story completely. Hell at this point I do not know.
What I do know is I wish I could finish my sequel? I am tired of people asking about it? Which is odd because some days I am dying for people to read the first book. Who am I kidding?
Behind the smile is a girl screaming to get out. Screaming to have her heart tamed but to scared to let it. Behind the smile is a girl who tries to be so tough but yet she is weaker than shit.
I'm tired of watching good people get screwed over. I am tired of wondering when it will be my time. I am so sick of waiting.
My impatience is the reason my best friend isnt here today. Its the reason I lost my first boyfriend. It's the root of a tad bit of evil.
For once I just want to be the rescuee instead of the rescuer. For once I want to be reminded that I am still doing the right thing by chasing my dreams. For once I just want to be told by word of mouth instead of facebook that someone is Proud of me.
I'm tired of trying to be perfect because its killing me inside. This summer has sucked...I just want to quit wading and wondering. I just want my life to turn around for the better. I want to wake up to life that is better then my dreams. I want to be able to quit battling the eye of the hurricane and be able to dance in the summer storm.
Lord Please Save me From Myself...I am my Own Worst Enemy. Save me from my self persecution.
I am 22 and feel like I am so far behind in life. Other friends are in school, while others are waiting to head to the alter and then I have friends with Kids. I am not ready for those kind of committments but I feel like I am just wondering. I feel like my novel character Skyler...well hell I guess its time to admit to myself that Skyler is me. However, Skyler is already a Physical therapist and she is in love with a man, and she is drop dead hella goregous. To say the least I am envious of my fictional self.
I feel so lost. I feel like I'm losing a close knit support system I used to have. I feel like im worthless. I know that isnt true at all but I feel like that. I'm tired of looking in the mirror and yelling at myself because I couldnt accomplish things the first time around. I'm tired of driving myself into the ground because I am not satisfied. It is true you are your own worst critic and I am worse than Simon Cowell and Peirs Morgan combined on myself.
I dont look at my past as a pile of mistakes I look at my past as this prologue to a story not written yet, but as I continue to live I feel like the prologue keeps getting larger and larger. Prehaps, I've missed the story completely. Hell at this point I do not know.
What I do know is I wish I could finish my sequel? I am tired of people asking about it? Which is odd because some days I am dying for people to read the first book. Who am I kidding?
Behind the smile is a girl screaming to get out. Screaming to have her heart tamed but to scared to let it. Behind the smile is a girl who tries to be so tough but yet she is weaker than shit.
I'm tired of watching good people get screwed over. I am tired of wondering when it will be my time. I am so sick of waiting.
My impatience is the reason my best friend isnt here today. Its the reason I lost my first boyfriend. It's the root of a tad bit of evil.
For once I just want to be the rescuee instead of the rescuer. For once I want to be reminded that I am still doing the right thing by chasing my dreams. For once I just want to be told by word of mouth instead of facebook that someone is Proud of me.
I'm tired of trying to be perfect because its killing me inside. This summer has sucked...I just want to quit wading and wondering. I just want my life to turn around for the better. I want to wake up to life that is better then my dreams. I want to be able to quit battling the eye of the hurricane and be able to dance in the summer storm.
Lord Please Save me From Myself...I am my Own Worst Enemy. Save me from my self persecution.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Why must we complicate things?
Why must we complicate life and love? Why must we hold ourselves back from the things we vision for ourself when really life is about living? Why must we not reach for the adventure and settle for the same routine?
Life is short and in that short time we should love unconditionally. Laugh at the small things. Find the finest things within ourselves. Dance to the music and even create our own beat. To smile when we want to frown. To cry when the tears should fall.
In the game of life its not about sitting back its about taking the drivers seat and making things happen.
I know I am one to complicate things. To listen to my head more than my heart. To question my gut when it's right. To wonder if what I am doing is wrong.
So...dance in the rain. Find peace in the eye of every storm.
Let's uncomplicate the things that matter so that we ourselves can live Free, Happy, and Unstoppable.
Life is short and in that short time we should love unconditionally. Laugh at the small things. Find the finest things within ourselves. Dance to the music and even create our own beat. To smile when we want to frown. To cry when the tears should fall.
In the game of life its not about sitting back its about taking the drivers seat and making things happen.
I know I am one to complicate things. To listen to my head more than my heart. To question my gut when it's right. To wonder if what I am doing is wrong.
So...dance in the rain. Find peace in the eye of every storm.
Let's uncomplicate the things that matter so that we ourselves can live Free, Happy, and Unstoppable.
Monday, August 1, 2011
I AM NOT GONNA FEEL BAD
So time changes everything...a true statement. 2 and a half years ago I thought you were charming. I thought that for once I may had found something that was missing in my life. 2 and a half years ago I lost my best friend and had to go home to say goodbye to my right hand gal and you fell in love with someone else. I don't blame you.
Feburary she broke your heart and I let you needing me get to me. As the last couple of weeks before I graduated drew near I let you in and you spinned me these web of lies. I dont regret any of it because I am not one to regret things in my life.
I was honest with you. You were smothering me. You were almost telling me that wanting to lose weight for myself was wrong? I am sorry you waited to hear if I was moving away or staying to start somethin with me. I am sorry I suppose that I honestly told you that I couldnt see myself with you. I however guess honesty is not the best policy in all cases.
Listen here...if you truly loved me before you would have fought the infatuation. You would have waited. You would have done x number of other things.
SO NO I DO NOT FEEL BAD! I AM NOT THE BAD PERSON HERE! I AM LOOKING OUT FOR MY DREAMS AND IF THAT PISSES YOU OFF I AM SORRY! So I WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR FRIEND BUT WE WOULD HAVE NEVER CUT IT AS LOVERS AND FOR THAT I DO NOT FEEL BAD.
Feburary she broke your heart and I let you needing me get to me. As the last couple of weeks before I graduated drew near I let you in and you spinned me these web of lies. I dont regret any of it because I am not one to regret things in my life.
I was honest with you. You were smothering me. You were almost telling me that wanting to lose weight for myself was wrong? I am sorry you waited to hear if I was moving away or staying to start somethin with me. I am sorry I suppose that I honestly told you that I couldnt see myself with you. I however guess honesty is not the best policy in all cases.
Listen here...if you truly loved me before you would have fought the infatuation. You would have waited. You would have done x number of other things.
SO NO I DO NOT FEEL BAD! I AM NOT THE BAD PERSON HERE! I AM LOOKING OUT FOR MY DREAMS AND IF THAT PISSES YOU OFF I AM SORRY! So I WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR FRIEND BUT WE WOULD HAVE NEVER CUT IT AS LOVERS AND FOR THAT I DO NOT FEEL BAD.
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