Heart ache

No, this isn't the typical heart ache. It's not one that will be accompanied by steel guitar and whining fiddle. This is the heartbreak that comes with fear, with wonder, and with questions.

I want him to be the one. I want her to see me happy. I want life with him to be my reality instead of my fantasy.

However, now he is hurt. He is laying in a  hospital bed miles away and I can't do anything. I can't help him or his mom and friends. I am helpless for him. I cant make him smile or even laugh.

I have slept a total of 3 hours anticipating updates about his jaw surgery. I don't know what it is but I love him. I care so much that my heart automatically puts it into overdrive and pulls into the love station. Though, he has a girl. She is everything he could want. Smart, Beautiful, stock contractor. I cannot compete with her.

So this is the heart ache that accompanies a dream. A dream shattered because there is no way God wants us together. if he does then maybe its patience that im lacking. Though this man is goregeous beyond belief and yes I just called a man goregeous. How would we fit together. All I know is I cant stop thinkin about him. My mind constantly thinks of him. So here is too another restless night. Another hope for a dream come true!

wonder

So the generic title may get some of you reading or may turn the rest of you away. Do you often wonder what is God's purpose for an individual he puts in your life.

Well I know for sure God put my best friend Linsey into my life to give me confidence and to continue to be a dreamer. As she has passed however I often wonder what reasons people are in my life for.

My mom I have narrowed done because God knew no other women could handle me. God knew that I needed a strong women in my life to lead me.

My friends all have a lot of the same reasons, some for entertainment and others are those great ears that forever love to listen when I need them too.

Then there is my favorite bull riders mom. Now, you may be laughing at this point. Most of you would be like God gave you her to tell you funny stories of him and to see how passionate you are about his sport. However, I am still not sure if that is the case. Last night he got hurt. This doesn't surprise me since this sport there is always an injury.  Posting my status to facebook I figured would just get looked over by many of my friends but this status and maybe because it was her son prompted her to message me about how he was doing.

I wanted so bad to tell her he would be okay. I wanted to know what was wrong so I could calm a mother's nerves. I wanted to be able to hold her hand in that moment. At that moment and going through today constantly praying for him I realized that like many other things in my life, this sport has brought me a family.

now grant it, its a loose family with many people scattered all across the globe that enjoys watching and cares for these guys if not the same but as much as I do. These guys bring hope. They show strength and they defy it all to do what they love...Ride bulls!

Now, I feel like one lucky girl to get to encounter 45 of the most elite bull riders every year. I am so lucky to make their acquantance once or twice in a 12 month calander year. These guys make me see that my dreams are conquerable! They make me want to strive to be a better person. They make me want excitement out of life.

Its this family that I know why God gave them to me. He gave them to me to share with the world, to tell people about the exciting yet dangerous sport of bull riding.

However, I still wonder what is in store with the future. I know I never told you but my dream job would be to work for the PBR. My dream job is to be there for the riders when things like this happen. I only hope I continue to persue my dreams and continue to be open with my hearts desire!

Out of the chute and off to wonder some more,

Please keep praying for my favorite bull rider he is in need of it!

A writer: What it means?

For many years I didn't want to define myself as a writer. For writers where people who wanted the world to read what they wrote. It took me years to even be able to scare pieces of my works with individuals through other means than just cyber space.
Writing a sequel to my first novel, I find it real ironic that after taking a course in creative non-fiction that my writing would have had a tremendous change on my life.
I started this blog hoping to find something that was missing. Trying to get past the loss of my best friend. Hoping that those elusive dreams that have been waved in front of me would be gone.
 Those were fantasies, intertwined in the reality of it all. Though, as the excitement of a grand day comes to the end I realize that I feed off some want. Some dream to make my fantasy reality.
   One such fantasy is that of me and a professional bull rider. He drives me wild. He makes me nuts, he makes me feel special and he doesnt even mean too. I read into things maybe a little deeper than some would say, but there is also the question of his momma.
   Talking to them makes me feel that the years of heart ache that has been sprinkled into my life.

Though what it means to be a writer is being okay with opening up the heart ache. To analyze its repercussions on the enviroment. It means to take moments that seem unreal and make them reality.
Although every great writer must find their muse. I guess I found mine in the darkness which will one day through my writing produce rays of light. Light for myself to guide my winding path by, and light for my readers to chose a different road.