So, I am 23 and I have been single for 7 years and counting! That is a long time. I have had chances and havent jumped at the chances for various reasons. However, there are a few guys I am so glad that we never jumped over the friend zone. I know...you are all laughin' at me at this point. Why would I be happy that cute guys didnt want to be my boyfriend?
I am happy because I will always have a piece of their heart. I also have their trust. They are cool with breaking down and telling me whats truly wrong. I am someone they see as noble, trustworthy. Something that cant be ruined by time coming in between us.
There is three who means the most to me and I am sure 2 of them know who they are. I wish guys could be optimistic about the friend zone thing.
While yes, I cannot wait to be in love. As a romance writer I dream of having that undeniable can't let you go kind of love...I am also honored to be such a strong woman that guys respect my opinions, ideas, and truths.
So, the next time someone friend zones you Smile...because they obviously think your pretty darn awesome.
Blessings and Well Wishes
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
Scars
Well all have those obvious, outward scars...some of us more than others. The same goes for the internal scars.
Each of them leave a lasting mark, a story, and those dreadful moments some would love to forget. I guess I wanted to start this blog off by saying that I have no intention of pointing blame to anyone. For my internal scars have all be cultivated and healed. Thanks to my Lord and Savior. I suppose what I am writin' this blog for is to help prevent others internal scars from being ripped back open or from happening.
I see a hell of a lot more bullying these days. From simply pickin on someone because of the way they look, a handicap, or for the shear pain it is wrong! YOU DO NOT REACH THE TOP BY DEGRADING SOMEONE ELSE!
I can't be spotless, I have probably said things when I shouldn't...but I have to say I've risen above a lot of the bullyin' I was faced with. Not only because I knew God...My maker saw me as a beautifully created thing but because I knew I was stronger and had a lot more to give.
I am currently embarking on slowly writing bits of my autobiography before I lose it. To say my story is only slightly tattered would be an understatement. However, while I can look at my scars as pure reminders of places I never want to return others constantly feed on the darkness that has been brought out in them.
Now, I am an individual in life who has always friended the weary. Maybe, I do so because I know how to relate or rather I hope that they can learn from me and see that they are more than the tattered pieces or parts of their story.
So, remember that everythin' you say to someone can, in the wrong context, hurt them. It can set off a trigger that you may or may not know about. It is not funny to laugh at someone becuase of the scars butto remind them that while the road of life can become complicated and hard to endure...that they have the strength to see the beauty in it. That beyond the healin scars and scar filled stories is really somethin rather wonderful. It is compiling said scars that has helped me realize the simple beauty life has. Although at times I fall into the darkness I am forever grateful for the people in my life who can make me smile and remind me that this is just yet another detour on the highway I call life.
Blessings and well wishes to you all. May you conquer the scars and become the person you want to be.
Each of them leave a lasting mark, a story, and those dreadful moments some would love to forget. I guess I wanted to start this blog off by saying that I have no intention of pointing blame to anyone. For my internal scars have all be cultivated and healed. Thanks to my Lord and Savior. I suppose what I am writin' this blog for is to help prevent others internal scars from being ripped back open or from happening.
I see a hell of a lot more bullying these days. From simply pickin on someone because of the way they look, a handicap, or for the shear pain it is wrong! YOU DO NOT REACH THE TOP BY DEGRADING SOMEONE ELSE!
I can't be spotless, I have probably said things when I shouldn't...but I have to say I've risen above a lot of the bullyin' I was faced with. Not only because I knew God...My maker saw me as a beautifully created thing but because I knew I was stronger and had a lot more to give.
I am currently embarking on slowly writing bits of my autobiography before I lose it. To say my story is only slightly tattered would be an understatement. However, while I can look at my scars as pure reminders of places I never want to return others constantly feed on the darkness that has been brought out in them.
Now, I am an individual in life who has always friended the weary. Maybe, I do so because I know how to relate or rather I hope that they can learn from me and see that they are more than the tattered pieces or parts of their story.
So, remember that everythin' you say to someone can, in the wrong context, hurt them. It can set off a trigger that you may or may not know about. It is not funny to laugh at someone becuase of the scars butto remind them that while the road of life can become complicated and hard to endure...that they have the strength to see the beauty in it. That beyond the healin scars and scar filled stories is really somethin rather wonderful. It is compiling said scars that has helped me realize the simple beauty life has. Although at times I fall into the darkness I am forever grateful for the people in my life who can make me smile and remind me that this is just yet another detour on the highway I call life.
Blessings and well wishes to you all. May you conquer the scars and become the person you want to be.
Friday, January 20, 2012
My Hero
So, this blog may shock or even surprise people. I hope it does neither but opens up some eyes on some things.
So, to start off my family has no member in the military serving...I don't know how hard it is for deployments or anything of that sort. Although, recently I might a veteran. Let's say this veteran and I enjoy talking to each other, we both dig professional bull riding and he happens to look like my best friends who passed away favorite bull rider. He even has the same first name.
So, some of you may think I am crazy for calling this guy I know very little about my hero. However, I know little about a lot of historical people but still feel like the grounds they stood on gave them hero qualities.
He is my hero because he was willing to go fight for my dreams without even knowing me. He took a bullet in the back for me...for us all. He is now home and being a productive member of society and wants to work hard to make this country great again.
While, he doesn't have a clean wrap sheet, what he sees as his downfall is overshadowed by his bravery and commitment.
He isn't my only hero. All the men and women fighting in the armed forces are. I mean for someone to sacrafice so much for me...how could I not hold them to such high esteem.
I suppose what I WANT FROM YOU IS TO RESPECT THEM WHEN THEY MAKE IT HOME, AND PRAY FOR THEIR LOVED ONES WHEN THEY DON'T. THEY ARE THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE AMERICA "Land of the free, home of the brave."
When you run into a Veteran don't ask them about their story. Thank them for their service and duty. Remember that even though one battle is done, they have a bigger one left to do here. Give them the RESPECT they deserve.
Remember, Freedom isn't free. It comes at the cost of bloodshed and tears. DO NOT TAKE YOUR FREEDOM FOR Granted because there are some people wishing they had it but has no one to fight for it.
Thank you and God Bless
So, to start off my family has no member in the military serving...I don't know how hard it is for deployments or anything of that sort. Although, recently I might a veteran. Let's say this veteran and I enjoy talking to each other, we both dig professional bull riding and he happens to look like my best friends who passed away favorite bull rider. He even has the same first name.
So, some of you may think I am crazy for calling this guy I know very little about my hero. However, I know little about a lot of historical people but still feel like the grounds they stood on gave them hero qualities.
He is my hero because he was willing to go fight for my dreams without even knowing me. He took a bullet in the back for me...for us all. He is now home and being a productive member of society and wants to work hard to make this country great again.
While, he doesn't have a clean wrap sheet, what he sees as his downfall is overshadowed by his bravery and commitment.
He isn't my only hero. All the men and women fighting in the armed forces are. I mean for someone to sacrafice so much for me...how could I not hold them to such high esteem.
I suppose what I WANT FROM YOU IS TO RESPECT THEM WHEN THEY MAKE IT HOME, AND PRAY FOR THEIR LOVED ONES WHEN THEY DON'T. THEY ARE THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE AMERICA "Land of the free, home of the brave."
When you run into a Veteran don't ask them about their story. Thank them for their service and duty. Remember that even though one battle is done, they have a bigger one left to do here. Give them the RESPECT they deserve.
Remember, Freedom isn't free. It comes at the cost of bloodshed and tears. DO NOT TAKE YOUR FREEDOM FOR Granted because there are some people wishing they had it but has no one to fight for it.
Thank you and God Bless
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Just Imagine
So..I am sure some of us can recall rather hazy pictures of playing dress-up or other imagination type games as a kid. I know my neighborhood would be full of kids to play house, cops and robbers, or any other game we could think up on those blissfully perfect spring, summer, and fall days. I remember when I was younger, in grade school in particular, when our teachers told us we could be anything we wanted to be. Even our parents would chime in about the possibilities.
I suppose this is were I go a tad off topic and laugh. My parents tell everyone that the only reason they helped put me through four years of college was because at 5 I proclaimed to them with such zeal that I would be a doctor...or something in said medical field. By eight I am sure is when my dad recalls me talking about being a surgeon and I remember his disappointment years down the road when I no longer wanted to be that. When I told my parents I wanted to be a Physical Therapist they were thoroughly supportive. They still are. But over 500.00 in applying to PT schools and I don't think my parents see it. When they told me at 8 years old that I could wear the letters DPT. They didn't tell me or know perhaps the struggle, they told me to just imagine.
At fourteen I feel in love with bull riding. A sport my parents still find to either be a waste of my time or just a sick obsession I have. It's this sport that has over the years given me strength to carry on through the darkness...I know I have said that a countless number of times on this blog. When I told my mom I wanted to work for Dr. Tandy Freeman someday she just smiled. She told me to hold on to it but if I had to settle remember not to be disappointed. When I didn't get accepted into Texas State my own mom didn't even hug me. She just told me that I needed to look for other options.
Still, I being rather a hardcore Dreamer feel confident in my dreams of being a DPT. I "Just Imagine" how school will be when I finally break through. I imagine how thrilling and exciting it all will be. I get nervous about taking the boards and finding a job but then I remember my deep desires and I push past the nervousness and continue to move forward.
Two years ago now I was in Sports Psychology. I loved that class. Saying love is almost an understatement. One chapter I loved with Visualization. In this chapter it taught us to recall moments every aspect of moments: the sights, smells, taste, textures....it applied to relieving the good moments and throwing out the bad moments or rather for an athlete blocking bad performances and repeating the good.
When times get tough I Imagine myself conquering and fulfilling my dreams; They call that positive visualization. So, I suppose what I am tryin' to get at is when the moments get tough or you feel like your dreams are about to get rain over by a train....JUST IMAGINE. Like I tell all my bull ridin' friends...and you can even ask Jordan Hupp and Mckennon Wimberly. To be the best you not only have to work hard, but you must VISUALIZE AND EXPECT TO WIN!
God Bless
I suppose this is were I go a tad off topic and laugh. My parents tell everyone that the only reason they helped put me through four years of college was because at 5 I proclaimed to them with such zeal that I would be a doctor...or something in said medical field. By eight I am sure is when my dad recalls me talking about being a surgeon and I remember his disappointment years down the road when I no longer wanted to be that. When I told my parents I wanted to be a Physical Therapist they were thoroughly supportive. They still are. But over 500.00 in applying to PT schools and I don't think my parents see it. When they told me at 8 years old that I could wear the letters DPT. They didn't tell me or know perhaps the struggle, they told me to just imagine.
At fourteen I feel in love with bull riding. A sport my parents still find to either be a waste of my time or just a sick obsession I have. It's this sport that has over the years given me strength to carry on through the darkness...I know I have said that a countless number of times on this blog. When I told my mom I wanted to work for Dr. Tandy Freeman someday she just smiled. She told me to hold on to it but if I had to settle remember not to be disappointed. When I didn't get accepted into Texas State my own mom didn't even hug me. She just told me that I needed to look for other options.
Still, I being rather a hardcore Dreamer feel confident in my dreams of being a DPT. I "Just Imagine" how school will be when I finally break through. I imagine how thrilling and exciting it all will be. I get nervous about taking the boards and finding a job but then I remember my deep desires and I push past the nervousness and continue to move forward.
Two years ago now I was in Sports Psychology. I loved that class. Saying love is almost an understatement. One chapter I loved with Visualization. In this chapter it taught us to recall moments every aspect of moments: the sights, smells, taste, textures....it applied to relieving the good moments and throwing out the bad moments or rather for an athlete blocking bad performances and repeating the good.
When times get tough I Imagine myself conquering and fulfilling my dreams; They call that positive visualization. So, I suppose what I am tryin' to get at is when the moments get tough or you feel like your dreams are about to get rain over by a train....JUST IMAGINE. Like I tell all my bull ridin' friends...and you can even ask Jordan Hupp and Mckennon Wimberly. To be the best you not only have to work hard, but you must VISUALIZE AND EXPECT TO WIN!
God Bless
Sunday, January 15, 2012
The Good Stuff
Much like the more popular Kenny Chesney song...I want to take time to remind people that the good stuff isn't a pile of money or a shot of Jack. The good stuff is something much smaller. Much more meaningful. The good stuff is the laughter from the little kids that are either yours or someone Else's but it warms you heart just the same. The Good stuff is that line in your favorite song that can always take you back to those moments with your best friend on a summer drive to no where. The Good Stuff is waiting so long but finally seeing a movie and it being what you expected or hoped for. The Good Stuff is going through photographs and reliving the moments.
The Good stuff is being surrounded by your family on momentous occasions such as graduations, weddings, or simply game nights. It's the stuff that can always make you smile such as your favorite flower, sport, or painting. It is those simple pleasures that are always held within the dimensions of your heart. It's the kind of things that you don't recall as often as you should. It's the stuff that gets scattered and shuffled behind busy schedules and endless doubts.
The Good stuff is not easily found but it is easily felt. Such as the smile of someone you are married to, crushing on, or beginning something with. The Good stuff is hearing that not only do you have beautiful eyes and kissable lips, but you have a golden soul. The Good stuff is seeing the pride on your parents face when you achieve things you've talked about for many years.
The Good stuff is a book and candle light to unwind. The good stuff is those slobbery kisses from your favorite four legged friend or the nuzzle from your hoofed ride. The Good Stuff can be debated by many but it is loved by all. What is the good stuff for me may not be for others but the feeling is the same across the board.
The Good Stuff puts a smile on our heart before it can ever be seen on our face. That good old good stuff is the memories and the moments that remind us of the best things in life when we sometimes are not sure how to carry on. So, What's your good stuff?
The Good stuff is being surrounded by your family on momentous occasions such as graduations, weddings, or simply game nights. It's the stuff that can always make you smile such as your favorite flower, sport, or painting. It is those simple pleasures that are always held within the dimensions of your heart. It's the kind of things that you don't recall as often as you should. It's the stuff that gets scattered and shuffled behind busy schedules and endless doubts.
The Good stuff is not easily found but it is easily felt. Such as the smile of someone you are married to, crushing on, or beginning something with. The Good stuff is hearing that not only do you have beautiful eyes and kissable lips, but you have a golden soul. The Good stuff is seeing the pride on your parents face when you achieve things you've talked about for many years.
The Good stuff is a book and candle light to unwind. The good stuff is those slobbery kisses from your favorite four legged friend or the nuzzle from your hoofed ride. The Good Stuff can be debated by many but it is loved by all. What is the good stuff for me may not be for others but the feeling is the same across the board.
The Good Stuff puts a smile on our heart before it can ever be seen on our face. That good old good stuff is the memories and the moments that remind us of the best things in life when we sometimes are not sure how to carry on. So, What's your good stuff?
Friday, January 13, 2012
Jump with me....A poem
I want to open your eyes
I want to see you smile
I want the days before I see you to fly by
I want the nights to be decreased by miles
I want to hold your hand
I want to feel your kiss
I want to walk with you in the sand
I want those moments that can’t be missed
I want to be in your arms
I want to feel your warm breath
I want to be lost in your charm
I want to be with you so don’t forget
I want to tease you
I want to need you
I want to capture you
I want to freeze you
I want to live for love
I want to die for loss
I want our hearts to soar
I want us to not be at war
I want these things
These things I do want
For it is you who entices me
It is me who intrigues you
So what are we waiting for?
What is there to lose?
Thursday, January 12, 2012
A Beautiful story from the wreckage
I am going to go off randomly on this small exercept of my autobiography I suppose. Off the chart to not focus to much of the story at hand but rather explain to you how I have come to the conclusion on my life outlook. My life outlook is to find a beautiful story from/ among the wreckage.
I could recall, and just deleted multiple paragraphs depeciting some of the darkness moments in my life. I suppose the night I wrote them the tears and pain were what drove me to write those lines. However, I am a write who writes what she believes and I didn't believe that my pity party was truthful enough to explain this said philospy.
What those paragraph's reperesented was my hearts anger towards those blackened moments of my life. The moments that for some reason my heart has merely blocked and my heart has caged. As I wrote those lines it didn't feel any less uncaged so to say. However, as I write these lines...I feel this beautiful philopsy spinning inside my head and smile.
I have gone through lots of things: I have a hard time mentioning being 16 and touched and kissed by your boyfriend as being rape, but when I did wake up and noticed him touching me in ways I didn't want, I feel its mental hold sometimes. I have lost my best friend in a car accident. As a child I had promises broken. I have fallen for guys only to get it shoved back and forgotten. I can ramble on about scrapping my knee riding my bike and all kinds of stuff people classify as mentally grueling but I won't because I KNOW SOME PEOPLE HAVE IT WORSE THAN I DO! So it is why I want to give them a little ounce...maybe a glimpse at Hope.
I think that moments in life that don't go your way or lead you into darkness are just rough patches that you beautiful story must detour through. Said detours have the ability to make us or break us. I want you to not Break , but TO MAKE YOU STRONGER. For as I have grown up I have realized more beauty in my life than pain. I have seen many more smiles, than tears (even if 2011 did catch up on the tear count).
So, if you feel like there is no where to go. There is. Turn to your story and tell the detour that this is only temporary and you are only one small part of MY BEAUTIFUL STORY!
SMILE, HUGS, AND BLESSINGS! WE CAN DO IT! WE CAN MAKE IT!
I could recall, and just deleted multiple paragraphs depeciting some of the darkness moments in my life. I suppose the night I wrote them the tears and pain were what drove me to write those lines. However, I am a write who writes what she believes and I didn't believe that my pity party was truthful enough to explain this said philospy.
What those paragraph's reperesented was my hearts anger towards those blackened moments of my life. The moments that for some reason my heart has merely blocked and my heart has caged. As I wrote those lines it didn't feel any less uncaged so to say. However, as I write these lines...I feel this beautiful philopsy spinning inside my head and smile.
I have gone through lots of things: I have a hard time mentioning being 16 and touched and kissed by your boyfriend as being rape, but when I did wake up and noticed him touching me in ways I didn't want, I feel its mental hold sometimes. I have lost my best friend in a car accident. As a child I had promises broken. I have fallen for guys only to get it shoved back and forgotten. I can ramble on about scrapping my knee riding my bike and all kinds of stuff people classify as mentally grueling but I won't because I KNOW SOME PEOPLE HAVE IT WORSE THAN I DO! So it is why I want to give them a little ounce...maybe a glimpse at Hope.
I think that moments in life that don't go your way or lead you into darkness are just rough patches that you beautiful story must detour through. Said detours have the ability to make us or break us. I want you to not Break , but TO MAKE YOU STRONGER. For as I have grown up I have realized more beauty in my life than pain. I have seen many more smiles, than tears (even if 2011 did catch up on the tear count).
So, if you feel like there is no where to go. There is. Turn to your story and tell the detour that this is only temporary and you are only one small part of MY BEAUTIFUL STORY!
SMILE, HUGS, AND BLESSINGS! WE CAN DO IT! WE CAN MAKE IT!
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Believe, Dream, Inspire
Thank my grandma for inspiring this chapter.
__-____________________________________________
My whole life: at least how I can conceptualize it into small minute particles has circumnativated around these three words. From the time I was a young child...I believed anything that anyone told me. Although, as I grew up I could better judge the information that came my way. The best part of being little and believing in things is not having to have proof. If it is something that you are so passionate about there is no way in the world it is wrong. I suppose it is why the bible says to have faith like a child.
However, in my adult life believing in the Lord is something I constantly work on. Prehaps its for the fact that I also believe so concretely in my dreams. Although, it could be that as a child no one told me to believe in him but as life took twist and turns I knew I couldn't live without him. I believe strongly that he has a grand plan for me. One with great substance and much happiness. It just seems like they dont aline with my dreams.
Dreams: I do it. With and without my eyes closed. In recent years I have seen lots of dreams fall into the battle lands. which for a dreamer MAJORLY SUCKS! I had to give up hopes on my best friend and I marryin these two goregous rodeo cowboys. I have had to give up on my dream of Texas: at least for a little while. I have always believed in the beauty of my dreams because in some way it will keep making me great and also help me bestow greatness upon the world. I have had friends who have believed in my dreams a lot and none more than my angel girl. However, in recent years I have found a friend who also believes in her dreams and we call ourselves: Cowgirl Dreamers.
The inspire part I suppose is a mixed bag of tricks. As a writer I hope to inspire others who have always liked to play with words to be comfortable enough to write what they feel. I have four nieces and nephews and I want them to know that no matter what roadblocks or detours live throws at them...that they can overcome it. I also want to inspire girls like me- with a lack of self-esteem- that they are WORTH IT! I want them to know that you don't have to be a bright shiny diamond to be worth it to a man or the world!
So, as I continue to strive towards my dream career with Doc Freeman (he works for the professional bull riders INC.) I will never stop Believing in the plans and pathes that the Lord has given me. I also will remember that at each step of the journey to inspire people as the world constantly inspires me!
God Bless and Love Without Fear,
Stevie
__-____________________________________________
My whole life: at least how I can conceptualize it into small minute particles has circumnativated around these three words. From the time I was a young child...I believed anything that anyone told me. Although, as I grew up I could better judge the information that came my way. The best part of being little and believing in things is not having to have proof. If it is something that you are so passionate about there is no way in the world it is wrong. I suppose it is why the bible says to have faith like a child.
However, in my adult life believing in the Lord is something I constantly work on. Prehaps its for the fact that I also believe so concretely in my dreams. Although, it could be that as a child no one told me to believe in him but as life took twist and turns I knew I couldn't live without him. I believe strongly that he has a grand plan for me. One with great substance and much happiness. It just seems like they dont aline with my dreams.
Dreams: I do it. With and without my eyes closed. In recent years I have seen lots of dreams fall into the battle lands. which for a dreamer MAJORLY SUCKS! I had to give up hopes on my best friend and I marryin these two goregous rodeo cowboys. I have had to give up on my dream of Texas: at least for a little while. I have always believed in the beauty of my dreams because in some way it will keep making me great and also help me bestow greatness upon the world. I have had friends who have believed in my dreams a lot and none more than my angel girl. However, in recent years I have found a friend who also believes in her dreams and we call ourselves: Cowgirl Dreamers.
The inspire part I suppose is a mixed bag of tricks. As a writer I hope to inspire others who have always liked to play with words to be comfortable enough to write what they feel. I have four nieces and nephews and I want them to know that no matter what roadblocks or detours live throws at them...that they can overcome it. I also want to inspire girls like me- with a lack of self-esteem- that they are WORTH IT! I want them to know that you don't have to be a bright shiny diamond to be worth it to a man or the world!
So, as I continue to strive towards my dream career with Doc Freeman (he works for the professional bull riders INC.) I will never stop Believing in the plans and pathes that the Lord has given me. I also will remember that at each step of the journey to inspire people as the world constantly inspires me!
God Bless and Love Without Fear,
Stevie
Thursday, January 5, 2012
the day my life changed- part of my autobiography
I was nineteen. As a nineteen year old the world still seems to be a place where you can test waters without people telling you to grow up. However, at nineteen I had to grow up quicker than I wanted.
Do you ever have those moments that can play in your head like a movie reel? I do. One such moment is the day I lost my best friend. While I feel your hearts slowly shattering and gripping the pages harder I must admit she was more like a sister. I mean 12 years....at 19 that meant I had only spent 7 years without her in my life. That is pretty incredible as I recollect all this myself.
I anticipated that day. It was family weekend and we were gonna go to the rodeo, watch my beloved Bearcats play football, we were gonna hang around a campus that would as of the next year be OUR campus. Though, as I left my last class the rain seemed to continue to casacade swiftly to the ground. I knew she was safely on her way...and thats when the rain we both loved turned into a huge storm....that storm raged outside and thats when I got a phone call.
She was lost. No surprise, our car trips always turn into a solution of finding alternate routes to our destination. I somehow had lost my temper...I wanted her there...I needed her to be safe in my dorm room. Thats when I heard her faintly say "I am turning around." as I mentioned that was a smart choice I heard a crunch and her phone lost service.
I think I went through frantic panic modes every seven seconds. I then did the only thing I knew to do. Call my mom...that was when my mom told me she would call me back.
That phone call still paralyzes me. "Stevie...I am sorry hunnie." Those words still puncture my heart. All i could do was scream. She couldnt be gone...What in the world were they talking about? The disbelief set in swiftly and as my family made their way to pick me up I couldn't imagine our dreams simply being crumbled and crunch in the metal of that pale blue chevy.
I still hold that guilt from September 12th, 2008. It's a guilt I try to let go of every day. In those moments I should have taken a deep breathe but as my family constantly assures me is that I can't change what God had planned for her.
I suppose sometimes this is why I get so angered with my dreams falling apart. I cant seem to let God's plan for me take its course. Perhaps, its because I know of the greatness he has bestowed upon me from that 12 year friendship.
For along while after that day I dispesed the rain. The one earth element we use to share so much joy in. Now, when it rains, at 23 I feel it as a token from her. A token to stay the course. To not let my demons win.
I was nineteen. I am now twenty three and not a day goes by that I dont miss her but I know that my life is still so young. So fresh. My life is still yet to be lived. I cannot keep myself glued to that part of me.
It was that day that reminded me that God has and continues to give me such blessings with the people in my life and if I do not cherish them than it is I who ends up being the fool.
September 12th of each year is a day I smile through because I know she wouldnt want me to have it any other way.
----------------------------------
God Bless and Hugs
Stevie
Do you ever have those moments that can play in your head like a movie reel? I do. One such moment is the day I lost my best friend. While I feel your hearts slowly shattering and gripping the pages harder I must admit she was more like a sister. I mean 12 years....at 19 that meant I had only spent 7 years without her in my life. That is pretty incredible as I recollect all this myself.
I anticipated that day. It was family weekend and we were gonna go to the rodeo, watch my beloved Bearcats play football, we were gonna hang around a campus that would as of the next year be OUR campus. Though, as I left my last class the rain seemed to continue to casacade swiftly to the ground. I knew she was safely on her way...and thats when the rain we both loved turned into a huge storm....that storm raged outside and thats when I got a phone call.
She was lost. No surprise, our car trips always turn into a solution of finding alternate routes to our destination. I somehow had lost my temper...I wanted her there...I needed her to be safe in my dorm room. Thats when I heard her faintly say "I am turning around." as I mentioned that was a smart choice I heard a crunch and her phone lost service.
I think I went through frantic panic modes every seven seconds. I then did the only thing I knew to do. Call my mom...that was when my mom told me she would call me back.
That phone call still paralyzes me. "Stevie...I am sorry hunnie." Those words still puncture my heart. All i could do was scream. She couldnt be gone...What in the world were they talking about? The disbelief set in swiftly and as my family made their way to pick me up I couldn't imagine our dreams simply being crumbled and crunch in the metal of that pale blue chevy.
I still hold that guilt from September 12th, 2008. It's a guilt I try to let go of every day. In those moments I should have taken a deep breathe but as my family constantly assures me is that I can't change what God had planned for her.
I suppose sometimes this is why I get so angered with my dreams falling apart. I cant seem to let God's plan for me take its course. Perhaps, its because I know of the greatness he has bestowed upon me from that 12 year friendship.
For along while after that day I dispesed the rain. The one earth element we use to share so much joy in. Now, when it rains, at 23 I feel it as a token from her. A token to stay the course. To not let my demons win.
I was nineteen. I am now twenty three and not a day goes by that I dont miss her but I know that my life is still so young. So fresh. My life is still yet to be lived. I cannot keep myself glued to that part of me.
It was that day that reminded me that God has and continues to give me such blessings with the people in my life and if I do not cherish them than it is I who ends up being the fool.
September 12th of each year is a day I smile through because I know she wouldnt want me to have it any other way.
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God Bless and Hugs
Stevie
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
writing my autobiography backwards...starting today...here is todays entry
Janurary 4th, 2012
New
year….Day 3. I haven’t buried any past securities as I thought I had ending
2011. I have shed tears…unlike the clear declaration to myself made mere moments
before midnight. I am 23: a twenty three year old who still feels like she
should be well on her way to a Doctorate degree in Physical Therapy. However, I
am not in school and its killing me the application processes. Throwing
non-refundable money away like its water and man does this river flow.
However, this mid-morning writing session has been promoted
by yet again…rock bottom: once again reminding me that the greatest words come
together in shear moments of despair.
This comes mere moments after falling to my knees and asking
MY GOD to forgive me. Yet again must he forgive me for turning my back on him;
for my selfish pride; for my will of wanting to be in control.
Through my fire tears I scream out “Father, Oh Father…I AM
SORRY.” In the first moments it all that can be mustered up. I continue on “Father,
Why must I constantly…” a laundry list of things come flooding from my lips.
Closely followed by the burning tears. As, I recollect myself I feel a peace
and that’s when the final lines come out. “Father, I love you…I love you.” It’s
that peace I am sure many believers find when he tells you that remember things
come together in his time.
Although, I not only said things to my Heavenly father. I
wrote to two important women and talked to a friend who has been way more valuable
to me than I have to him. It’s in these darkest moments when I realize I have
always been so blessed. Even in the silence of my screams they have been there.
People have been there to hold my hand, lift my chin, wipe those fiery tears.
What have I done?
I swear it is this question that brings me the upmost frustration.
For I have done so much yet so little. I have inspired some but not many. I
have graciously given but not to all. I have loaned an ear but given my mouth
in the process.
At 23 I should be writing about budding romance. I guess in
my fictitious stories I create those because I do not understand how to make
them work in said reality. I should be doing a lot of other things but this is
life and mine doesn’t work like it should at times.
What do I want to do?
So much, I want to do so much in this life. I want to
inspire. I have four little people that I want to inspire. They are my nieces
and nephews and although I only see three regularly I want them all to know
that they can do it. I want to inspire others who are like me. Who can’t seem
to understand why their life revolves around stumbling and triumph and then
triumph and rock bottom. I want to be some voice. I talk a lot but for what?
For pleasure mostly but I want to stand up and be a voice for change. Changing
the world…I suppose this innate want is a derived from years of community
service but it is a must happen want. I want to work to give people mobility
and comfortably back into their daily lives.I want to be one small step in a recovery process. I want them to feel like I cared. I also want to know that my writing
means something. I want to know why I have been so eloquently given such a
beautiful gift. beyond writing I want to climb mountains and explore caves. I want to be able
to tell people of said adventures.
I want to Love. Love without being scared,
love wholeheartedly. I want a love that I can dance with, sing with, cook with.
A love who will teach me how to fix cars, to be a better marksmen, to remind me
of the Lord most of all, I want a love that can withstand all things with the
help of the Lord.
It 2:13 am. This is me. The girl I hide because she is weak.
The girl whose ambition some might say are too high, a girl who dreams even in the
daylight. This is a girl who doesn’t understand her own story but can create
multiple plot lines for her characters. This is the girl I mask. For fear of the
world walking away and continuing to corrupt her soul. This is the defenseless girl few get to see.
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