I was nineteen. As a nineteen year old the world still seems to be a place where you can test waters without people telling you to grow up. However, at nineteen I had to grow up quicker than I wanted.
Do you ever have those moments that can play in your head like a movie reel? I do. One such moment is the day I lost my best friend. While I feel your hearts slowly shattering and gripping the pages harder I must admit she was more like a sister. I mean 12 years....at 19 that meant I had only spent 7 years without her in my life. That is pretty incredible as I recollect all this myself.
I anticipated that day. It was family weekend and we were gonna go to the rodeo, watch my beloved Bearcats play football, we were gonna hang around a campus that would as of the next year be OUR campus. Though, as I left my last class the rain seemed to continue to casacade swiftly to the ground. I knew she was safely on her way...and thats when the rain we both loved turned into a huge storm....that storm raged outside and thats when I got a phone call.
She was lost. No surprise, our car trips always turn into a solution of finding alternate routes to our destination. I somehow had lost my temper...I wanted her there...I needed her to be safe in my dorm room. Thats when I heard her faintly say "I am turning around." as I mentioned that was a smart choice I heard a crunch and her phone lost service.
I think I went through frantic panic modes every seven seconds. I then did the only thing I knew to do. Call my mom...that was when my mom told me she would call me back.
That phone call still paralyzes me. "Stevie...I am sorry hunnie." Those words still puncture my heart. All i could do was scream. She couldnt be gone...What in the world were they talking about? The disbelief set in swiftly and as my family made their way to pick me up I couldn't imagine our dreams simply being crumbled and crunch in the metal of that pale blue chevy.
I still hold that guilt from September 12th, 2008. It's a guilt I try to let go of every day. In those moments I should have taken a deep breathe but as my family constantly assures me is that I can't change what God had planned for her.
I suppose sometimes this is why I get so angered with my dreams falling apart. I cant seem to let God's plan for me take its course. Perhaps, its because I know of the greatness he has bestowed upon me from that 12 year friendship.
For along while after that day I dispesed the rain. The one earth element we use to share so much joy in. Now, when it rains, at 23 I feel it as a token from her. A token to stay the course. To not let my demons win.
I was nineteen. I am now twenty three and not a day goes by that I dont miss her but I know that my life is still so young. So fresh. My life is still yet to be lived. I cannot keep myself glued to that part of me.
It was that day that reminded me that God has and continues to give me such blessings with the people in my life and if I do not cherish them than it is I who ends up being the fool.
September 12th of each year is a day I smile through because I know she wouldnt want me to have it any other way.
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God Bless and Hugs
Stevie
1 comment:
Hi there. I am emotional today as a person in our community was killed in a car accident this morning. Her son was driving (has his permit) and her other child was in the back seat. I don't know much, but I do know the mom past away. It is difficult not to question God at this time for those that love this family, but just as your family says...God does have a plan. His plan is so much bigger than ours. When I question Him, He reminds me of Proverbs 3:5&6...and to lean on His understanding. It requires a complete trust in Him. I really appreciate you telling your story. Please keep this family in your prayers and know that I am praying for you today too. You have reminded me to hug the people I love even closer and cherish my time with them...each moment is a blessing from God!
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