wading and wondering

 I feel like this summer I have just tred water. I feel like I take steps forward and then go floating backwards. Yesterday, I talked to one of my references who seemed to have rave reviews about me. It made me feel like Physical therapy is my thing. However, I also went to talk to another store leader in my district about taking over a temporary full time key position and I was nervous and wondering if I could do the job. My Boss has complete faith in me. I think it would be fun but I also know there is a lot of responsibility. I mean I am a mature individual and I do learn well but I am not sure that I am ready to lead a business.

I am 22 and feel like I am so far behind in life. Other friends are in school, while others are waiting to head to the alter and then I have friends with Kids. I am not ready for those kind of committments but I feel like I am just wondering. I feel like my novel character Skyler...well hell I guess its time to admit to myself that Skyler is me. However, Skyler is already a Physical therapist and she is in love with a man, and she is drop dead hella goregous. To say the least I am envious of my fictional self.

I feel so lost. I feel like I'm losing a close knit support system I used to have. I feel like im worthless. I know that isnt true at all but I feel like that. I'm tired of looking in the mirror and yelling at myself because I couldnt accomplish things the first time around. I'm tired of driving myself into the ground because I am not satisfied. It is true you are your own worst critic and I am worse than Simon Cowell and Peirs Morgan combined on myself.

I dont look at my past as a pile of mistakes I look at my past as this prologue to a story not written yet, but as I continue to live I feel like the prologue keeps getting larger and larger. Prehaps, I've missed the story completely. Hell at this point I do not know.

What I do know is I wish I could finish my sequel? I am tired of people asking about it? Which is odd because some days I am dying for people to read the first book. Who am I kidding?

Behind the smile is a girl screaming to get out. Screaming to have her heart tamed but to scared to let it. Behind the smile is a girl who tries to be so tough but yet she is weaker than shit.

I'm tired of watching good people get screwed over. I am tired of wondering when it will be my time. I am so sick of waiting.

My impatience is the reason my best friend isnt here today. Its the reason I lost my first boyfriend. It's the root of a tad bit of evil.

For once I just want to be the rescuee instead of the rescuer. For once I want to be reminded that I am still doing the right thing by chasing my dreams. For once I just want to be told by word of mouth instead of facebook that someone is Proud of me.

I'm tired of trying to be perfect because its killing me inside. This summer has sucked...I just want to quit wading and wondering. I just want my life to turn around for the better. I want to wake up to life that is better then my dreams. I want to be able to quit battling the eye of the hurricane and be able to dance in the summer storm.

Lord Please Save me From Myself...I am my Own Worst Enemy. Save me from my self persecution.