philophobia

Philophobia: The fear of being in or loving another. It's ironic that there is actually a scientific fear of this. Unfortunatly, I could be one of many individuals diagnosised with this. How did love get such a bad rap? As a child being cradled, nurtured, and hugged all promoted postive growth. As teens we only wish to find love like those around us. Young adulthood may lead to our first serious relationship, and heartbreak.

So, How did Philophobia develop in my life? First off, I have the last name of a man who broke promises consistantly. I let him keep pulling me in with gifts and other sympathy, when really all I wanted was his love. Maybe at the age of 14 it was the overwhelming fear of never having a boyfriend. Then 16 came around and he appeared. Though, after a trip that opened my eyes up to a world outside my small town, that relationship crumbled.

I've kissed strangers in hope that something might occur, I've changed and reverted back, I've tried to be perfect and learned I never will be.

So why, why the fear? Maybe part of it came from losing my best friend. For a best friend no matter what gender gives you love and support. Prehaps, its the fact that I am the kind of girl who shys away from putting herself out there because she always dreamt of love like in old westerns. Maybe, its that her perception of what love should be has changed.


Though, I guess this is something I will either accept or out grow. For who knows what tomorrow brings. I guess I just fear that this fear will keep me from ever being truly happy. Well, I guess ill have to wait and see