I feel like this summer I have just tred water. I feel like I take steps forward and then go floating backwards. Yesterday, I talked to one of my references who seemed to have rave reviews about me. It made me feel like Physical therapy is my thing. However, I also went to talk to another store leader in my district about taking over a temporary full time key position and I was nervous and wondering if I could do the job. My Boss has complete faith in me. I think it would be fun but I also know there is a lot of responsibility. I mean I am a mature individual and I do learn well but I am not sure that I am ready to lead a business.
I am 22 and feel like I am so far behind in life. Other friends are in school, while others are waiting to head to the alter and then I have friends with Kids. I am not ready for those kind of committments but I feel like I am just wondering. I feel like my novel character Skyler...well hell I guess its time to admit to myself that Skyler is me. However, Skyler is already a Physical therapist and she is in love with a man, and she is drop dead hella goregous. To say the least I am envious of my fictional self.
I feel so lost. I feel like I'm losing a close knit support system I used to have. I feel like im worthless. I know that isnt true at all but I feel like that. I'm tired of looking in the mirror and yelling at myself because I couldnt accomplish things the first time around. I'm tired of driving myself into the ground because I am not satisfied. It is true you are your own worst critic and I am worse than Simon Cowell and Peirs Morgan combined on myself.
I dont look at my past as a pile of mistakes I look at my past as this prologue to a story not written yet, but as I continue to live I feel like the prologue keeps getting larger and larger. Prehaps, I've missed the story completely. Hell at this point I do not know.
What I do know is I wish I could finish my sequel? I am tired of people asking about it? Which is odd because some days I am dying for people to read the first book. Who am I kidding?
Behind the smile is a girl screaming to get out. Screaming to have her heart tamed but to scared to let it. Behind the smile is a girl who tries to be so tough but yet she is weaker than shit.
I'm tired of watching good people get screwed over. I am tired of wondering when it will be my time. I am so sick of waiting.
My impatience is the reason my best friend isnt here today. Its the reason I lost my first boyfriend. It's the root of a tad bit of evil.
For once I just want to be the rescuee instead of the rescuer. For once I want to be reminded that I am still doing the right thing by chasing my dreams. For once I just want to be told by word of mouth instead of facebook that someone is Proud of me.
I'm tired of trying to be perfect because its killing me inside. This summer has sucked...I just want to quit wading and wondering. I just want my life to turn around for the better. I want to wake up to life that is better then my dreams. I want to be able to quit battling the eye of the hurricane and be able to dance in the summer storm.
Lord Please Save me From Myself...I am my Own Worst Enemy. Save me from my self persecution.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
Why must we complicate things?
Why must we complicate life and love? Why must we hold ourselves back from the things we vision for ourself when really life is about living? Why must we not reach for the adventure and settle for the same routine?
Life is short and in that short time we should love unconditionally. Laugh at the small things. Find the finest things within ourselves. Dance to the music and even create our own beat. To smile when we want to frown. To cry when the tears should fall.
In the game of life its not about sitting back its about taking the drivers seat and making things happen.
I know I am one to complicate things. To listen to my head more than my heart. To question my gut when it's right. To wonder if what I am doing is wrong.
So...dance in the rain. Find peace in the eye of every storm.
Let's uncomplicate the things that matter so that we ourselves can live Free, Happy, and Unstoppable.
Life is short and in that short time we should love unconditionally. Laugh at the small things. Find the finest things within ourselves. Dance to the music and even create our own beat. To smile when we want to frown. To cry when the tears should fall.
In the game of life its not about sitting back its about taking the drivers seat and making things happen.
I know I am one to complicate things. To listen to my head more than my heart. To question my gut when it's right. To wonder if what I am doing is wrong.
So...dance in the rain. Find peace in the eye of every storm.
Let's uncomplicate the things that matter so that we ourselves can live Free, Happy, and Unstoppable.
Monday, August 1, 2011
I AM NOT GONNA FEEL BAD
So time changes everything...a true statement. 2 and a half years ago I thought you were charming. I thought that for once I may had found something that was missing in my life. 2 and a half years ago I lost my best friend and had to go home to say goodbye to my right hand gal and you fell in love with someone else. I don't blame you.
Feburary she broke your heart and I let you needing me get to me. As the last couple of weeks before I graduated drew near I let you in and you spinned me these web of lies. I dont regret any of it because I am not one to regret things in my life.
I was honest with you. You were smothering me. You were almost telling me that wanting to lose weight for myself was wrong? I am sorry you waited to hear if I was moving away or staying to start somethin with me. I am sorry I suppose that I honestly told you that I couldnt see myself with you. I however guess honesty is not the best policy in all cases.
Listen here...if you truly loved me before you would have fought the infatuation. You would have waited. You would have done x number of other things.
SO NO I DO NOT FEEL BAD! I AM NOT THE BAD PERSON HERE! I AM LOOKING OUT FOR MY DREAMS AND IF THAT PISSES YOU OFF I AM SORRY! So I WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR FRIEND BUT WE WOULD HAVE NEVER CUT IT AS LOVERS AND FOR THAT I DO NOT FEEL BAD.
Feburary she broke your heart and I let you needing me get to me. As the last couple of weeks before I graduated drew near I let you in and you spinned me these web of lies. I dont regret any of it because I am not one to regret things in my life.
I was honest with you. You were smothering me. You were almost telling me that wanting to lose weight for myself was wrong? I am sorry you waited to hear if I was moving away or staying to start somethin with me. I am sorry I suppose that I honestly told you that I couldnt see myself with you. I however guess honesty is not the best policy in all cases.
Listen here...if you truly loved me before you would have fought the infatuation. You would have waited. You would have done x number of other things.
SO NO I DO NOT FEEL BAD! I AM NOT THE BAD PERSON HERE! I AM LOOKING OUT FOR MY DREAMS AND IF THAT PISSES YOU OFF I AM SORRY! So I WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR FRIEND BUT WE WOULD HAVE NEVER CUT IT AS LOVERS AND FOR THAT I DO NOT FEEL BAD.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
For a reason
Things happen for a reason...something I have heard a lot about in my life. I guess being the curious person I am I have always questioned or wondered about the reasons for things but sometimes...the answers lead to a dead end path.
So I am 22 a recent college graduate and still living with my folks. While I love my parents I feel like a huge burden on them. Although, I dont know there answer all the time I am sure burden is not a word my mom would use.
However, in my 22 years a lot of things have happened. I've discovered the reasons for some of them and still question others.
I mean at 6 years old I was diagnosised with a lazy eye and had to wear a pirate patch. While I wasnt the cutest kid in the bunch I realized that it took my visual impairments to do other things. No my hand eye coordination didnt improve when I put glasses on but a lot of other things did. I could read without having my nose in the binding of the book. I could sit at the back of the classroom and still learn. I often think God gave me glasses because how else would I disguise my dorkiness.
At 6 years old my parents got a divorce and I went to live with my grandmother. Today, Ive let go of being hurt about it and am proud. For it was the first time in my life I had to learn to be independant outside my mom. living in the middle of no where with only one friend I learned to use my imagination. It also made me fall in love with fields and gravel roads.
at 13 I suppose the shocking blow of finding out that the guy whose last name I have is not my real father took center stage. it then made me wonder who in the hell created the other half of me. That mixed with ackward teenage things seemed to take over my world. I guess what I learned the most from this was that there is always gonna be those moments that your searchin for the answers...the key is to just keep searchin.
At 14 I found the Lord again through the PBR. Mike Lee and Wiley petersen were my instant favorites and years of avid fanhood has given me a few more cool cowboys to credit. One is Mckennon Wimberly. Just saying his name around my friends and family can sometimes get eye rolls but most of the time a smile emerges. I have to say that I love building friendships with the professional cowboys but none of my friendships are as strong as his. Mckennon probably is tired of hearing this but after I lost my best friend at 19 I turned to his strength and fighting spirit. I had to learn what it took from him. He is a great teacher if y'all wondered.
As time flies by I sit here 22 years old. the beginning of this year I was frusterated with not getting into Physical therapy school. I was upset about going 2 and a half years without my best friend. That was when Mckennon got into his wreck. I have to admit I went crazy. I wanted to do all I could for him and his family and although I knew I couldnt do much I did what was so easy to do....I just prayed. As I prayed to God I saw this beautiful friendship grow between me and his mom Paula. I swear it feels like Ive known Paula my whole life. I feel like I played with Mckennon when I was younger and Paula was the mom who always had the goodies at her house. I know thats funny for me to write because well I didnt know Mckennon when I was younger and I still havent met the beautiful Paula but just her messages and simple hellos have always put a smile on my face.
I dont know why I lost my best friend at 19 and I wont know until the day the Lord calls me home. However, I realized that he didnt leave me here stranded like I thought. He gave me the best teachers: The Wimberly's to remind me that I could do it. To that I thank them tremendously.
I also when I was little didnt understand why God gave me the mother I had. I also felt like I was inadequate compared to my sisters. For some reason like I didnt belong. As years go by I've come out of my stupidity and realize that God had to give me a strong women for a mother. Otherwise, without her I would have failed beyond belief. I know I don't say it enough but I am proud of my mom. Even if she frusterates me from time to time trying to worry about my sisters problems I know that she loves us and that even though she holds me to a higher standard doesnt mean she isnt proud.
I have made numerous friends and to you all I thank. For its you guys who keep me laughing, who remind me to smile, and who put up with me. I thank the Lord for giving me people who are always willing and ready to take my hand.
I may not know the reasons behind a lot of things but I know for sure there is a Reason in me waiting a year for PT school. there is a reason in me having to chase my dreams without my best friend in toe. There is a reason that God gave me a wild heart and lastly there was a reason you needed or wanted to read it. If it didnt satisfy your reason...maybe there is a lesson mixed in it after all.
God Bless,
Stevie Phillips
So I am 22 a recent college graduate and still living with my folks. While I love my parents I feel like a huge burden on them. Although, I dont know there answer all the time I am sure burden is not a word my mom would use.
However, in my 22 years a lot of things have happened. I've discovered the reasons for some of them and still question others.
I mean at 6 years old I was diagnosised with a lazy eye and had to wear a pirate patch. While I wasnt the cutest kid in the bunch I realized that it took my visual impairments to do other things. No my hand eye coordination didnt improve when I put glasses on but a lot of other things did. I could read without having my nose in the binding of the book. I could sit at the back of the classroom and still learn. I often think God gave me glasses because how else would I disguise my dorkiness.
At 6 years old my parents got a divorce and I went to live with my grandmother. Today, Ive let go of being hurt about it and am proud. For it was the first time in my life I had to learn to be independant outside my mom. living in the middle of no where with only one friend I learned to use my imagination. It also made me fall in love with fields and gravel roads.
at 13 I suppose the shocking blow of finding out that the guy whose last name I have is not my real father took center stage. it then made me wonder who in the hell created the other half of me. That mixed with ackward teenage things seemed to take over my world. I guess what I learned the most from this was that there is always gonna be those moments that your searchin for the answers...the key is to just keep searchin.
At 14 I found the Lord again through the PBR. Mike Lee and Wiley petersen were my instant favorites and years of avid fanhood has given me a few more cool cowboys to credit. One is Mckennon Wimberly. Just saying his name around my friends and family can sometimes get eye rolls but most of the time a smile emerges. I have to say that I love building friendships with the professional cowboys but none of my friendships are as strong as his. Mckennon probably is tired of hearing this but after I lost my best friend at 19 I turned to his strength and fighting spirit. I had to learn what it took from him. He is a great teacher if y'all wondered.
As time flies by I sit here 22 years old. the beginning of this year I was frusterated with not getting into Physical therapy school. I was upset about going 2 and a half years without my best friend. That was when Mckennon got into his wreck. I have to admit I went crazy. I wanted to do all I could for him and his family and although I knew I couldnt do much I did what was so easy to do....I just prayed. As I prayed to God I saw this beautiful friendship grow between me and his mom Paula. I swear it feels like Ive known Paula my whole life. I feel like I played with Mckennon when I was younger and Paula was the mom who always had the goodies at her house. I know thats funny for me to write because well I didnt know Mckennon when I was younger and I still havent met the beautiful Paula but just her messages and simple hellos have always put a smile on my face.
I dont know why I lost my best friend at 19 and I wont know until the day the Lord calls me home. However, I realized that he didnt leave me here stranded like I thought. He gave me the best teachers: The Wimberly's to remind me that I could do it. To that I thank them tremendously.
I also when I was little didnt understand why God gave me the mother I had. I also felt like I was inadequate compared to my sisters. For some reason like I didnt belong. As years go by I've come out of my stupidity and realize that God had to give me a strong women for a mother. Otherwise, without her I would have failed beyond belief. I know I don't say it enough but I am proud of my mom. Even if she frusterates me from time to time trying to worry about my sisters problems I know that she loves us and that even though she holds me to a higher standard doesnt mean she isnt proud.
I have made numerous friends and to you all I thank. For its you guys who keep me laughing, who remind me to smile, and who put up with me. I thank the Lord for giving me people who are always willing and ready to take my hand.
I may not know the reasons behind a lot of things but I know for sure there is a Reason in me waiting a year for PT school. there is a reason in me having to chase my dreams without my best friend in toe. There is a reason that God gave me a wild heart and lastly there was a reason you needed or wanted to read it. If it didnt satisfy your reason...maybe there is a lesson mixed in it after all.
God Bless,
Stevie Phillips
Saturday, July 23, 2011
emotional suicide
I'm not the smartest girl you'll meet. I'm not the prettiest or the most athletic. Hell, I don't really know what people would call me other than sweet. Its nights like this that I don't physically pull a knife on myself but emotionally do so. It's nights like this that my brain overrides any sanity of my heart and displays to me how worthless I am.
I have never been able to keep a bedroom clean for over a week, I havent had a boyfriend since my mid-teens. I'm never anyones first choice I'm always the simple regret. I was never good enough to get picked first in gym class or to take top honors in anything.
The one thing I am good at writing...hardly anyone reads and if they do they praise me but my own family hasnt even touched my first book. I wrote that book yes to try and heal from the loss of my best friend but to also expose people to the modern wild west. To the handsome, dangerous, and devilish boys who dawn cowboy hats and spurs. It hurts me so bad to think that I have to do things all wrong to get my parents attention.
My sisters are the queens and fight for the attention they get but I sit quietly hoping I will hear a sincere I love you or How's the writing going. Instead I get scolded to play nice, to quit thinkin about my favorite sport twnety-four seven, and to constantly change.
Ive always been the heavist in my family. I dont know why but I have. This summer I decided I was gonna change. I was gonna get healthy for me. I was finally going to become the girl I wanted to see in the mirror not dread to see. The whole time my family is just obessed with the numbers not the results. I mean I havent lost alot yet but I havent been a size 16 since before high school. I see that as triumph enough.
Then it doesnt help that I surround myself with gorgeous girls as friends. I swear half the girls never need an ounce of make up and they look flawless. While I am white and battle acne constantly. Why is it that I can never go out looking decent?
Now nights like this I emotionally slay myself to pieces. Telling myself why arent you good enough? When will you be? Why in the hell could you not do this or that the first time? Why in the hell cant you do that?
I'm so tired of emotionally killing myself. I am so tired of only getting small ounces of happiness and then it being ripped away...Gah...I am so tired of having to dream things to be better. When nights like this remind me those dreams arent gonna happen. I dont know I am probably just being a baby, just wanting something to whine about so I'll quit and suffer in silence like I always do because even if I cry no one hears so whats the point in getting their attention.
I have never been able to keep a bedroom clean for over a week, I havent had a boyfriend since my mid-teens. I'm never anyones first choice I'm always the simple regret. I was never good enough to get picked first in gym class or to take top honors in anything.
The one thing I am good at writing...hardly anyone reads and if they do they praise me but my own family hasnt even touched my first book. I wrote that book yes to try and heal from the loss of my best friend but to also expose people to the modern wild west. To the handsome, dangerous, and devilish boys who dawn cowboy hats and spurs. It hurts me so bad to think that I have to do things all wrong to get my parents attention.
My sisters are the queens and fight for the attention they get but I sit quietly hoping I will hear a sincere I love you or How's the writing going. Instead I get scolded to play nice, to quit thinkin about my favorite sport twnety-four seven, and to constantly change.
Ive always been the heavist in my family. I dont know why but I have. This summer I decided I was gonna change. I was gonna get healthy for me. I was finally going to become the girl I wanted to see in the mirror not dread to see. The whole time my family is just obessed with the numbers not the results. I mean I havent lost alot yet but I havent been a size 16 since before high school. I see that as triumph enough.
Then it doesnt help that I surround myself with gorgeous girls as friends. I swear half the girls never need an ounce of make up and they look flawless. While I am white and battle acne constantly. Why is it that I can never go out looking decent?
Now nights like this I emotionally slay myself to pieces. Telling myself why arent you good enough? When will you be? Why in the hell could you not do this or that the first time? Why in the hell cant you do that?
I'm so tired of emotionally killing myself. I am so tired of only getting small ounces of happiness and then it being ripped away...Gah...I am so tired of having to dream things to be better. When nights like this remind me those dreams arent gonna happen. I dont know I am probably just being a baby, just wanting something to whine about so I'll quit and suffer in silence like I always do because even if I cry no one hears so whats the point in getting their attention.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Mixing Business with Bull S***
As a fan I often try to stay out of the business side of the game. For I know I am not educated enough in business to understand things. However, it seems to me that the PBR is goin' in the wrong direction.
I have been a fan since I was 14 years old. Yes I joined in the era of the Chris Shivers Vs. Justin Mcbride. Yes, as Ive watched videos from the past I realize that I missed out on great things but at 22 I see a big issues arising in the PBR.
Yes, I know with new administration things change. They kick the old ideaology to the curb and want to tred in the water they see fit. However, Randy made big strides in gettin television coverage for the sport...but the cowboy way! Think back to the Mexico Event in 2007 many where hoping it would blow up in Randy face but it didnt.
I am sorry, I am in this sport for the cowboys and bulls. It what drew me to the sport in the first place. It was that weird facination with man taming beast that hooked me some 8 years ago. I use to proclaim the PBR everywhere I went. Now, I single the guys out and call them pro riders.
I dont personally know sean and the rest of the heads but I do personally know the cowboys. I just wanna know what happened to the original 20 cowboys dreams? To make bull riding this stand a lone sport enjoyed by millions. Yes, the PBR has some of the rankest bulls and in my opipion the best of the best of riders from all over the world. However, why did we have to feed Chad Ochocinco's ego. I was real devastatate when my PBR MAG HAD HIM PLASTERED IN IT! Where was the brillant article about recovering cowboys that was on the website or the discovery type article that came with the history of Dr. Tandy Freeman? I do not follow mr. ochocinco on twitter anymore for the shear fact that I have taste. I am not gonna argue all athletes are good at what they do but personally this sport appeals to all ages. My niece and Nephew are 4 &5. Grant it their exposure to the sport has come from their friendship with Mckennon Wimberly but my nephew is so cute and says he wants to ride in the PBR. Well I do not want him their if the sport isnt gonna care about the guys who make up the other half of the equation in this dangerous game.
I am not pointing fingers to anyone but when I first joined Twitter and first got called a tweetheart it was because of Shannon and Dave. I then went and watched all of Daves video and even cried when he made a fan video and one of my weakest moments as a fan was perfectly displayed. So, What happened to this being a sport for US! We pay for your big fancy office, We pay to outrageous charges on top of seat prices. What happened to the company I use to want to work for? What happened to the intriguity. Can someone tell me that?
I will always be a fan of this sport and mainly its because I feel that the riders and the stock contractors should be able to freely showcase what they love. Plus, I am sorry but I love wrangler jeans and the cute big bull eyes that I see on TV. Contracts are lists of lies, and dedication can not be seen in the office. So maybe I am over-stepping something but by God I WILL NOT LET MY SPORT BECOME TRASH. SO, if I as a fan have to find a replacement COO I WILL. Hell, I know plenty of fans who may be business savvy but will run the business like it was first put together with passion and integrity.
Thank you and God Bless but PLEASE REMEMBER THIS IS A SPORT OF COWBOYS NOT DOUCHEBAGS
I have been a fan since I was 14 years old. Yes I joined in the era of the Chris Shivers Vs. Justin Mcbride. Yes, as Ive watched videos from the past I realize that I missed out on great things but at 22 I see a big issues arising in the PBR.
Yes, I know with new administration things change. They kick the old ideaology to the curb and want to tred in the water they see fit. However, Randy made big strides in gettin television coverage for the sport...but the cowboy way! Think back to the Mexico Event in 2007 many where hoping it would blow up in Randy face but it didnt.
I am sorry, I am in this sport for the cowboys and bulls. It what drew me to the sport in the first place. It was that weird facination with man taming beast that hooked me some 8 years ago. I use to proclaim the PBR everywhere I went. Now, I single the guys out and call them pro riders.
I dont personally know sean and the rest of the heads but I do personally know the cowboys. I just wanna know what happened to the original 20 cowboys dreams? To make bull riding this stand a lone sport enjoyed by millions. Yes, the PBR has some of the rankest bulls and in my opipion the best of the best of riders from all over the world. However, why did we have to feed Chad Ochocinco's ego. I was real devastatate when my PBR MAG HAD HIM PLASTERED IN IT! Where was the brillant article about recovering cowboys that was on the website or the discovery type article that came with the history of Dr. Tandy Freeman? I do not follow mr. ochocinco on twitter anymore for the shear fact that I have taste. I am not gonna argue all athletes are good at what they do but personally this sport appeals to all ages. My niece and Nephew are 4 &5. Grant it their exposure to the sport has come from their friendship with Mckennon Wimberly but my nephew is so cute and says he wants to ride in the PBR. Well I do not want him their if the sport isnt gonna care about the guys who make up the other half of the equation in this dangerous game.
I am not pointing fingers to anyone but when I first joined Twitter and first got called a tweetheart it was because of Shannon and Dave. I then went and watched all of Daves video and even cried when he made a fan video and one of my weakest moments as a fan was perfectly displayed. So, What happened to this being a sport for US! We pay for your big fancy office, We pay to outrageous charges on top of seat prices. What happened to the company I use to want to work for? What happened to the intriguity. Can someone tell me that?
I will always be a fan of this sport and mainly its because I feel that the riders and the stock contractors should be able to freely showcase what they love. Plus, I am sorry but I love wrangler jeans and the cute big bull eyes that I see on TV. Contracts are lists of lies, and dedication can not be seen in the office. So maybe I am over-stepping something but by God I WILL NOT LET MY SPORT BECOME TRASH. SO, if I as a fan have to find a replacement COO I WILL. Hell, I know plenty of fans who may be business savvy but will run the business like it was first put together with passion and integrity.
Thank you and God Bless but PLEASE REMEMBER THIS IS A SPORT OF COWBOYS NOT DOUCHEBAGS
Monday, July 4, 2011
Fourth of July
Everytime this day comes around I cant help but be so gracious of my freedoms. I also cant help but love that within my freedom comes the right to write. I know sometimes I feel like my writing has no substance...no volume but then I look underneath. Behind the words are so undefined voice. It reminds me that each of us has a voice.
Each of our voices is what combined to create and make this country something to be celebrated.
Our founding fathers looked into the enemies eyes and declared that monarchy was not were this lands best interst lies.
I may have never been a huge political buff or found only big events in history facisnating but I am proud to have grown up here. Proud to have taken what Ive learned here to a foreign country so many years ago.
Put today...I will celebrate my country the only way I know how! With a smile and gratitiude!!
Each of our voices is what combined to create and make this country something to be celebrated.
Our founding fathers looked into the enemies eyes and declared that monarchy was not were this lands best interst lies.
I may have never been a huge political buff or found only big events in history facisnating but I am proud to have grown up here. Proud to have taken what Ive learned here to a foreign country so many years ago.
Put today...I will celebrate my country the only way I know how! With a smile and gratitiude!!
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